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this is not a love letter

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i'm a wimp.

i've never confessed to anyone before, maybe because i don't think there's something liberating with confessing to my crush(es) that i like him(them), unless i figure out it's something bigger. or maaaaybeeee, having a crush on someone is too shallow a reason to break my fantasies. another thing, just like the usual out-of-self-esteem and timid person that i am, i fear being rejected. more more more, i think that ought to be a guy thing.

there are two things you need to understand before you read the entire entry (that's if you want to)
1. my attention gets diverted easily
2. but at the end of the day, there's only one person whom i'm truly serious with



2 years.

i guess i started liking him during the later part of my first year in college. i thought he was cute (well, he is). the generic bespectacled nerdy and weird type of guy who studies day and night and aces every examination he takes. i don't remember our first encounter (i guess it was through text), but i do remember how i came to see him for the first time. a friend of mine just pointed him out for me, saying something like 'him. he's a good prospect, he won't be harsh on you. you should report to him'

and i did.

sucks, because i can't remember how my reporting with him went. i think he was with another person, which made me extremely out of focus because that person became my crush too.

eventually. nothing came.
the next semester, i was totally crushless. it was boring, but i still think of him...ocassionally only... since we don't see each other much except on scheduled assemblies which doesn't pay a lot since all i did was look at him from afar. i couldn't get myself to talk to him because i was afraid he wouldn't entertain anything un-acad related. i was too prejudiced with him and his batchmates. they were too intimidating.

the next sem, i got a major crush on a classmate from literature. our gay teacher liked him despite his evident lack in height, well, i liked him because he's kind, he's good in basketball and he was suddenly worried about me one day for reasons i wasn't able to extract well from him. i thought it has something to do with the paper we're supposed to do together but ended up entirely on my disposal, but then he said no, so that puzzled me big time. i thought he was just worried about me. and it touched me. but that's weird. sorry, i make ugly illogical assumptions when i have a major crush. i overanalyze things to make it look like he likes me too. haha

anyway. since it was a major crush, i almost forgot about him (him being the first guy i mentioned). i would think about him every night, include him in my prayers (well, selfishly though... like "Lord, please let us be groupmates forever. and please have him look at me just once while playing on court.") and just...well, think of him. :)

the sem ended and nothing happened. LOL. i was too shy and too out-of-words when i'm with him.

the next sem was a bit boring too. i had a crush on someone who is a batch lower but is older than me but i didn't care much. i denied it to everyone. we became quite close and were partners for a project. his artistic side got into me... but not enough though. nye

oddly enough, among all the crushes i had, i never saw someone whom i can be in a relationship with... except for him (him being the first guy i mentioned), which is weird because that's just how far i went with him in my mind... imagining 'us' together. lol, i myself am not ready for that.

then one day, after a blog entry at multiply with a semi-weird title, he commented to me personally. i can't spill out what he said cos it's like saying who he is, but the point is... what he said was totally unexpected and weird and drnit, it got through my every nerve, i couldn't help smiling after that remark, like we suddenly share an identical brainwave. i was like given a new reason to continue liking him. it felt like my reserved emotions for him were resurrected and from there, from that seemingly simple comment (you'll prolly think i'm just overreacting)... i almost thought i'm in love.

then it grew, i came to know more things about him, more very very interesting stuff. we're almost the same in terms of fancies.

and the best thing about him..
he's a christian.
i could name this as the biggest factor in my personal match-making quest.

ever since that day, i seriously contemplated on the feelings he seems to give me. is this really love, or am i just idealizing him too much (something i tend to do a lot)?

days, weeks and months passed by. we were both silent. we hardly interact. my crushes triple in number but his place within me remains reserved, God knows until when. but i'm pretty sure it won't be soon.

and because i'm still too young, too occupied with chasing my dreams, and is still incapable of entertaining anything i am bound to leave in a matter of months, i choose not to cater that which will surely lead to regret when dealt with hastily.

i shall wait.