So much to do. So little motivation. 

I'm in the middle of doing various little things at once. Harvesting bits of dopamine in each activity, but never focusing on something long enough to complete it.

I'm bouncing between generating music on Suno, looking for vacation rentals on Airbnb, and learning a guitar tab for Dust in the Wind.

I would do anything but work on the hours I'm expected to do so. And I'm not proud.

-- 

I have a discipline problem that I'm trying to address. I've never been able to stick to a diet enough to see results. Never pushed myself hard enough to leave my comfort zone. Never challenged my bad habits. And the result is being overweight for years, getting easily injured, easily tired, perpetually disappointed in my fitness levels, always hating how I look in photos.

I want to change that. And for accountability purposes (blog, don't jinx) I'm writing it down.

I'm committing to at least 30 days of calorie deficit. That's 1500cal per day, give or take. I mean I just started 2 days ago and I'm already over 300cals haha. Actually let's make that 1600? My maintenance calories is 1800+. A 200/day deficit is like cutting on midnight snack. How about let's start by quitting snacking at night?

Urgh, see it's impossible!

I don't find myself blogging as much as I used to. I think vlogging has replaced it, in terms of purpose (documentation) and the time I spend on it. Not that it's the same creative pursuit. Sometimes I find myself wanting to just rant mindlessly on Twitter, then I get too lazy, too conscious to air out my thoughts.

I do miss writing though. It's not the same as vlogging. I think I'm a better writer than a vlogger. Not that I excel at writing, I'm just saying that relative to my vlogging skills I'm a more creative writer than a filmmaker, if you wanna call it that. My vlogs are boring and template. It's literally just my day to day. In snippets arranged chronologically. No color grading, just captions, and AI generated music.

But writing, writing is more fun. I get to recall events and narrate them. Rack my brain for memories, and words to describe such memories. Try to make it interesting. It's very mentally stimulating for me. And it takes me the same amount of time writing a detailed account of the week and editing my Weekly Monotony. The only difference is that editing vlogs has become muscle memory for me, whereas writing poses a fresh challenge every time.

I'm really just waiting for my vlog to render, then I will TRY to sleep. I have trouble sleeping. Maybe because I drink coffee too late in the day. One in the afternoon and one during meetings. 

I had a big wart removed on my foot the other day. It's actually a recurrence. It's been removed last year but I wasn't able to take care of it properly so it grew back and looked much worse. So yeah. Derma had to inject several mls of lidocaine to the skin around the area and it's painful as hell. I hated the procedure so much I vow not to let it happen again.

Alright, happy weekend!

I don't think I'm gonna live long.

I'm 35 and in a lot of pain. Mostly in my knees since 3 years ago. Now my foot. And my lower back. It's been difficult getting up in the morning. Literally. How I wish I could just get rid of all this body pain. 

Every year I earn a new pain point. When I hit 40 I'm probably just gonna drop dead.

I skipped work today because of a terrible migraine. The one that pounds on the back of your head and creeps unto your neck. I almost slept the whole day. But still woke up with the same pain. Then I tried to get up and my lower back complained. I tried to stand up and my left foot shot me back to bed. Hay. 

I'm at a point in my life where I don't mind discovering that God may actually be just a nerd who ran a simulation in his computer. And that we're all just bits and pieces in a loop that's meant to simulate life, whatever that is for our supposed creator. It's not his fault he spawned a species who evolved with a penchant for the divine and worshipped anything that came close.

I'm also at a point in my life where hell doesn't scare me so much. Only those who believe in it fear it. And I think I've never really feared it in the first place. Being born and raised in a "Christian" household I never questioned my indoctrination. I never doubted. Not because it's indisputable. But because doubting requires questioning, and questioning required thinking. And I, never thought. My belief came from being conditioned, not convinced.