babbling out

wow. here's goes fucking insecurity. i'll try to be nice. but damn. the problem is, i'm always nice. you'll hardly notice if i actually hate you. i hardly hate people anyway. i just get paranoid a lot... threatened is the right term actually, and insecure. HAHA what. what do i need to change? i miss my old hair. and my old size.

i need to be consistent. maintenance is key.

what to do:
- study java
- edit script
- read essays
- exercise. HAHA

but for now, i want to sleep. >:)

ohnoes

-- why do i feel like something fishy is brewing? don't leave me out! i'm so fucking curious. you dropped the hint mehn, you dropped it and the suspense is killing me. what is it that you need to confirm? may something ba? slow ako e. anyway, that's all under the working assumption that nothing's going on and that it's all going to waste. tamang hypothesis lang. e bakit ba. nagtatrabaho ako ng maayos a. 

-- BWISET. my future with calculus (along with my being a scholar next term) is becoming a big blur. i passed the 2nd quiz but it's too fucking LOW. pota PASANG AWA. ampota talaga. and because it was such a hard thing to accept, plus my abdomen is killing me, i had to take a tranquilizer in the form of ICE BREAKER. haay

-- i just loaded 500 worth of immortal text and my free call minutes have already been consumed! huwew. buti na lang pala nagload ako!!! 

-- issues. i never liked taking sides, i always avoid arguments. I'M SO TORN. i can imagine myself in that position and not worry about it, because it's me. i know i can handle it, at alam kong walang aangal. pero pano sila? what can i say to assure them that it's going to be okay eventually? that duty and friendship are two things that cannot be compromised? teka wait. actually magulo ngayon. nakakalungkot. hmm... let me think. 

-- you can't say being plastic is being untrue to yourself. what if it's your natural tendency when faced with unlikeable people? saves you from the unnecessary arguments right? being one doesn't make you entirely bad, in fact, by being such you are giving the person the chance to change your badly clouded opinion of him/her in the long run. 

-- hindi ko talaga alam. ano bang nakikita nyo na hindi ko nakikita? bulag ba ako, o judgmental lang kayo? wala eh. wala talaga akong nakikitang masama. kaya ayoko magsalita. kasi kaibigan ko kayong lahat. haynako Lord, i remember praying for this before. and you answered it na thank you so much! pero may kulang parin pala HAHA 

-- terai poured out to me yesterday. so isa nanaman akong ultramega shock absorber kagabi! i was such a chore trying to calm her nerves down. fuck we're at mcdo dahlia, i should've brought her somewhere noisy to drown her inexorably scandalous tendencies! nakakahiya kaya. i was planning on sleeping early pa naman. paguwi ko parang ambigat. parang nadala ko lahat ng sumpa at hinanakit nya. parang sinumpa nya ko. ang sarap nya talagang batukan. grabe terai, SAME MISTAKES. tanga ka ba. then my bestfriend called, gumaan in fairness koya! andami kong tawa eh. salamat, it really helped. timing e. 

-- eto talaga promise. NO ICE BREAKER indefinitely. bwiset.

anti-love song

I’m not in love, so don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made
I’m not in love, no-no

I like to see you, but then again
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you, don’t make a fuss
Don’t tell your friends about the two of us
I’m not in love, no-no

I keep your picture upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that’s lyin’ there
So don’t you ask me to give it back
I know you know it doesn’t mean that much to me
I’m not in love, no-no

Ooh, you’ll wait a long time for me
Ooh, you’ll wait a long time
I’m not in love, so don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made, ooh
I’m not in love, I’m not in love…

----------------------------
what the hell is this song? it's so fucking in denial. hahaha

ows

what i need? part-time lover, full-time friend. i guess that would suit me right now.

i think i've found a major crush! kindof. pero parang hindi pa ganon ka intense LOL. bakit o why? wala akong crush!!! ang boring neto meeeehhhhnnnnn. every tri ako may majorcrush dapat eh! why ganto? grrr

jfsdadaeqa

i woke up in a foul mood I DON'T KNOW WHY, but eventually i realized i have no reason to feel glum cos i just woke up from my most coveted siesta (teacher was absent. went home early). i dreamt of checking in at a cheap hotel, and the one who attended me was a janitress at school. e naman eh. haha excited much for july 1? >BD haha

will i regret this later? i accepted the job. i am now the script-editor of LMA, only for this particular production though. i refuse to be given the title scriptwriter, it entails too much responsibility and mastery of the craft. anyway, he's still convincing me to be scriptwriter but quite honestly, the reason why i don't wanna get involved in it is that i'm so not confident with my writing skills. what has blogging got to do with scriptwriting anyway? i don't even do dialogs. O_O; maybe i can be assistant scriptwriter instead.

now you know my problem, i can't lead.

this was a funny pic:

pero hindi rin! maraming ngang bf/gf material dyan, pero hanggang dun lang! HINDI FOR KEEPS. whew

champions run toward their fears

i want to be a champion too but i'm too afraid of taking charge, of taking responsibility and of taking the opportunities that boldly present themselves to me. i believe that, if you think you can do a better job, then do it instead. keyword: THINK. the problem goes with deciding to actually DO IT. too much demands, too much hassle, too much trouble and NO TIME. then i go about thinking, i know i can do it, BUT I'M TOO LAZY TO. i see it as potential energy at its worst.

the head of the student board something something asked me if i can still host this school year's Ambassador of Goodwill (AoG) pageant. apparently, adrian and i were our english teacher's top choice last trimester. we emceed it last year and it was stressful. ok, fine, it's scripted. all i did was recite the words written in the spiel in my best radio quality english speaking voice. they liked it! BUT DID I? i didn't like the part where i was fumbling on what to do to keep the stage alive when the contestants are still dressing up for the next portion and we've ran out of intermission numbers. it was truamatizing. i can't adlib. i'll go nuts, i'll shower the audience with a bastarded version of the english language. i'll just humiliate myself and bring shame to my entire existence. anyway, i didn't. hehe

a shirt design? i would love to, but it's extreme labor for me to turn from space-hating-maximalist to minimalist. but that's where my brewing passion lies. traditional visual arts. with that, i decided to still become part of the school newsletter organization as cartoonist/illustrator. i'll probably do a better job there. but i'm not sure. i'm, err, to unconfident. hay

scriptwriting for gawdsake is something i've never done before. and from a dormant fiction story writer, they want me to transform into a freaking playwright (sort of)! the job is simple, the script is ready and they just need me to shorten/lengthen it to fit 30 minutes, and SCALE DOWN some vulgar items. ANG HIRAP KAYA SHEEET.  i like vulgarity in plays that display a common social setting. and for freak's sake, i'm an "exaggeralist". JM kasi eh grrr

i'll be reading the scriptSSSS tonight to see what i can do.
i just feel like they've got no one else to pass the awful job to. but that's freakin not my problem anymore. >:)
oh really, the thing is... I'M JUST TOO AFRAID TO SCREW UP.

hi pior!

pior (that's how i pronounce it, but i think it has an extra 'o' somewhere) is my new favorite instant coffee. bwahaha it's too powerful for me. the last time i downed a cup, i wasn't sleepy until 5am. @_@ and now, i need its company because of FUCKING JAVAAAAA.

btw, i'm starting to feel odd about these subjects: object oriented programming, physics, calculus AND PE!!!. woooooh. just my 'favorites'. my basis for feeling odd? i'm not topping them. and it's kinda begrudging to see people smarter than i am. but more than that, i feel... attracted? hahaha it's already too weird that i have a semi-fatal attraction to intelligent people. with glasses. ok. hmm... Herbert Bautista is too cute. ♥

wait! wait! can i rejoice? pingpong is now my new semi-favorite sport! >:D BWAHAHA

i have snake skin on my notebook >8D

last saturday, jec showed me this long white strip of what seemed like garlic peels, until he said it's snake skin he found lying at the school grounds that same day HAHAHAHA yikes. daddy told me old snakes peel off of their  skins to make way for the development of a new one. hehehehe e wala lang! weird! >:)

i am so fucking tired! i wanna sleep na like crazy or else i'm gonna get sick soon! i'm depressed over our objprog class because i seriously suck at java. java is like my hatest programming language. and i'm not getting good grades over it. seriously! add calculus and i'm doomed to be dropped from the partial scholars list. nakakadepress ampota.

walked at mv3 with jerome. it's weird cos he's so different now compared to the last time (and also the first time) i saw him. parang ang seryoso nya ngayon. ang hirap talaga ng umiibig, no pre? hahaha

kaaay. homework muna tapos tulog na ko yey!!!!

guiltier

she was being kind. i was being plastic. i told you right? it's something i have to put up in order to see the necessary good in everyone. now i know she's not always that bad. she's always a flirt and that can be forgiven. she's a cheerful person, you just have to put up with her casual swearing. she's a good friend. i'm the bad one for pretending to be good. AT LEAST I DIDN'T SHUT HER OFF. i was more than civil to her, i let her copy my homework, and share every academic resources i have. i wasn't being fake all the time. and i'm quiting this nasty facade i wear when she's around. Looooord thank you.

and now i have to convince my other friends that she's not that bad. >:) case closed.

blah blah blah I'M ON SUGAR HIGH. I'M NOT SLEEPING COS I HAVE TO FINISH THIS DRAWING FOR FCLC. YEY FOR CRAMMING!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

i love you daddy!!!!

after the service we went to celebrate father's day at the homebuilders' ministry where they organized a small program for our dear daddies! the food was delicious HAHAHAHA and the program was cute hehe >:)

then we came home, i slept, my parents went to an appointment and... yon. >:) HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

ok. 1 month starts tomorrow!!! if i can handle this, then i'm gonna be free for the rest of my life. HAHAHA

today was...

i know, i know. i should've gotten my good karma already but apparently this day was just, so-so. which probably means that everything that's gonna happen tomorrow onwards must be good, then better, then best. and hopefully stagnate! if i were to graph the way karma works on me, it's an everlasting V. i wish it were a square root instead, but that's just me. >:|

you know what amused me this day?
it was raining... daddy and i were about to go home from school when i noticed a small insect on top of my book. it looked like a mosquito, but a slightly bigger one, without the wings. the thing was crazy, going in circles like a dog chasing its own tail. as in! i was looking at it with a mixture of amusement and pity. i was thinking maybe the thunder scared the shit out of the poor thing so it exhibited something like a defense mechanism. that, or it just simply went bonkers. poor poor insect.

you know what, i was soooo paranoid awhile ago. i suddenly remembered that the school hasn't received my original TOR from UPLB yet. then i also realized that i have no time to follow up on it cos i'm always at school. and then! when i thought about calling them up, i got scared! i was IMAGINING dragona from the college sec. office saying that they cannot process my TOR because they discovered that i signed a contract at CEAT stating that i will finish my course there and never transfer, therefore they are withdrawing my honorable dismissal. fucking shit. and so i must return to UPLB asap and fulfill the fucking contact. perfect depressant. that's probably the worst that could happen to me. then again, i thought of a plan! instead of going back to spend a miserable decade at that stinking hell hole, i'll just enroll for a semester, ditch my subjects, and go back home and get a job. in short, I'M HAVING MYSELF KICKED OUT. voluntarily! instant breach! and if that's not enough to convince them how much i loathe the entire composition of the chemical engineering department, I'LL BURN IT. i'd rather be charged with arson. really now. o tapos, after the sem, i'll go back to FERN! yeheeey! >:) that should do!

of course i'm overreacting, overthinking, overparanoid, overover!!!!

tangina UPLB ang tagal ng TOR ko!

coherence is not my virtue

if yesterday was full of crap, this day was full of crap and bullshit. i thought i was gonna get my good karma this day, but apparently things got worse. not in the sense that the bad things got worse, actually, more and more bad things piled and i feel so fucked up. hehe i'm exagerrating. bwahaha i'm always exagerrating, it's part of, uhm, creative writing. LOL so don't take me seriously. never take me seriously, unless you have scaled down what i've written and imagined what exactly happened.


i was never a frank person so i actualy prefer being plastic than spilling out the sad, fucking truth. i also try not to be too emotional, uhm, depends on who i'm talking to. there are people who really listen and engage in my stories, and there are some who listen but eventually end up talking about themselves. and there are those who don't care at all. HONESTLY, i don't give a damn who listens to me cos in the first place, i'm not sharing anything unless i'm asked of it, and chances are if i don't like you or i don't want to tell you anything, you'll get a lie from me. it's always so hard to open up. As in really really open up.

segway: my working hours were reduced from 20 to 16. FUCK. i want to blame our boss for being so stupid, for accepting SA after SA after SA, for not reserving the old SA's, and for not evenly distributing the amount of work in the lib (the hard, boring ones always go to me. and they're a lot).

segway 2: i didn't want to leave you BUT what the fuck is wrong for wanting to change my shirt?! i just wanted to play pingpong more but you snatched me away from my game. i just wanted to grab a change cos i'm soaking with sweat and i'm not allowed to? mare, sakal!

segway 3: i have a little crush on this little genius in our class. He wear glasses and his friends call him harry potter. IMBA, but he has a girlfriend.

so where was i? i've lied too much already. and if it's becoming a burden, i should know soon, but apparently it's not. so you see, turning plastic is my natural tendency when faced with undesirable twerps. the bad thing is,  i'm being dishonest not only to myself but also to the person. THE GOOD THING IS, for every fake smile i give, i am tolerating the person's irateness quotient and is actually giving myself a chance to see the person in a dfferent light. i've always wanted to be a person who sees good in everyone; that's the most saintly thing i've ever wanted. LOL


actually, my poblems weren't so big. i just tend to exagerrate every little thing i type here, blame the adjectives.

and so, my favorite word is a four-letter expletive some of you may love doing.
i can really feel the universe working against me this day, umagang umaga palang! whew

BADTRIP AKO! kung ayaw mong masaktan, wag mong basahin to.

oo, natapos ko naman lahat ng putanginang gawain ko. yung mahigit isanlibong charge slips, pinagpuyatan ko hanggang alas-kwatro ng umaga. dalawang oras lang ang tulog ko. ang lakas maka-badtrip ng kakulangan sa tulog! tinapos ko rin yung dalawang walang hiyang article na yan. pero yung mga taeng exercises, sa school ko na lang chinekan. minsan maaasar ka eh, bakit nagkakamali pa tong mga to? given na nga lahat, pipindutin mo na lang sa calculator, at kokopyahin. di mo na nga kelangan magisip eh. simpleng ONE-STEP conversion lang pare!!! anong problema? 
ay nako. depressed ako. i failed our first quiz in calculus! anak ng! and i said i love math diba? but i only got a fucking 48% NAKAKALOKA. first failure sa FEU-FERN everrr. nakakalungkot ng sobra. ang sarap magpakalunod sa kung anong pwede dyan. lahat ng mahal ko, hindi ako mahal. ampota. e alam mo naman ba kasi yung feeling na isang taon kang namamayagpag tapos bigla kang lalagapak? putangina!

mejo badtrip pa nga tong umagang to, cos first thing in the morning pinagbuhat ako ng lamesang mabigat. daig ko pa jamas sa new found superstrength ko. bwiset. ang aga aga, pawisan agad ako. ang daming pinapagawa ni bossing, overstaffed na nga kami, pero parang di parin ako nauubusan ng gagawin?!?! potek.

at eto pa, kaya pala hanggang ngayon wala parin akong sweldo kasi nakalimutan nila kong isama sa request ng mga pase-sweldohing SA nung enrolment. haaay bwiset. ako pa ang nakalimutan nyo!

tapos bukas PE nanaman. putang inang PE yan. hindi ako umuusad.

BUTI na lang at nakapag oi sisig at ice breaker ako today. mejo natuwa ako. mejo lang, pero tang ina ang bad mood ko talaga ngayon.

sa tuwing nginingitian nya ko nawawala yung inis ko sa kanya, kasi habang lagi nyang pinapakita yung kalandian nya, lalo kong nasasanay sa kanya. so wala akong dapat ikakulo ng dugo dahil ganon talaga sya KAHIT KANINO.

long night ahead

may mga bagay na kahit gusto mo, kailangan mong bitiwan
may mga taong kahit napapasaya ka, kailangan iwasan
my mga desisyong dapat gawin kahit napipilitan
at may mga pagkakataon na kapag ginawa mo ang tama, ikaw din ang mahihirapan
dahil may mga bagay na pag pinagpilitan, sa huli ikaw din ang masasaktan

- author unknown. GM ni jot >:)

oh yes, i have the license to be emo for the entire meantime that i have no majorcrush. quite ironic, but the thing is, if i have no majorcrush, all i ever think about is my stupid love, and thinking about my stupid love makes me feel emo and heartbroken and everything else except suicidal. lol. so yeah, i need a diversion. grrrr

whew. long night ahead. i have like, 500 charge slips to encode, and still a lot of papers to check, plus 2 articles to write!!! i'm not sleeping anytime soon. expect me to be awake til past 12mn. i had enough pearl milk tea to last me till the wee hours of the morning so i'm pretty awaaaake! yeheeeey! feel free to bother me. or not.

daddy looks good in a black jacket. i told you guys, i have a newfound fetish for such. and i always tell him to wear glasses too. i love you daddy. HAHAHA i love jackets

time to work

yikes

nanaginip ako! i dreamt that a black dog from our neighborhood bit my right hand! nye, yun lang naalala ko, plus the panic that i might die of rabies. hahaha

now that school has started, i'm having a hard time remembering my dreams cos they always get cut with the alarm clock hahaha sayang.

HINDI KO ALAM KUNG TALAGANG LATE BLOOMER AKO, O SADYANG NAPAKALANDI LANG NG HENERASYON NGAYON. @_@

bakit ganooon? ambabata nyo pa. @_@

pagbigyan

// work: i was assigned to create 2 articles, plus encode thesis materials onto the OPAC. i dunno, encoding thesis details gives me a headache, specially when it comes to typing their abstracts. i don't mean to belittle our dear alums but most of their english are wrong. almost none of them got the drift of what an ABSTRACT really is. it's disappointing. it made me want to not include their abstracts in the database if i'm just going to type, you know, wrong stuff. i mean, i'm not good at english or anything but i should know when something sounds grammatically incorrect. hay

// currently checking my dad's students' exercises on physics. this is hard work. i'll tell him not to give uber long exercises anymore, cos my weekend is going to perish.

// again, it doesn't feel like saturday. and i presume i'm not going to feel it for the rest of the trimester. good thing it's a holiday on monday. bad thing = no work = no pay.

// my favorite people in the world are those i can stay with (as in just the two of us) without being awkward at all.  i also love people whom i can laugh intolerably with, the kind that really makes me catch my breath. hahaha that's why i miss my housemates so much. they always get what i mean, no matter how much i'm not making sense. and they always laugh with me. if it's not because of what i'm laughing about, it's because of my laughing... alone. hahaha ♥ ♥ ♥

// i never considered myself weird because i think it's an overstatement. let's just say that i think a lot of ridiculous things, to some it may seem weird, but for me that's creativity! and imagination! plus... everyone thinks they're weird like it's some sort of an attractive feature. say that again once you've met someone genuinely weird, cos i have, and i didn't like it.

i don't like weird people.

// walked at MV3 with RA awhile ago. i missed walking there. right now, i only get to walk there twice a week. monday and saturday afternoon. it was a freaking funny walk. what's really weird with me is that i have a harder time avoiding smaller objects than bigger ones. like, i can calmly avoid a car but not a motorcycle or a bike, or a freaking person. dead frogs on the road startle me big time (who wouldn't be?). what's good is that i'm not worrying of tricylce #565 (i think) being at the end of the road anymore hahaha

// JM looks stunning in a black jacket. fine, every guy would probably look better in my eyes if he wears a black jacket (and when i mention such, it automatically exempts hoodies and cotton)... and glasses. i was imagining JM with both and i just heaved a sigh. forgive me, for JM is the closest i have to a majorcrush right now so i can't stop talking about him.

// Lord, give me a majorcrush!

haha

// i am so fascinated with my new phone. i don't know why. HAHAHAHA

// my boss reprimanded me awhile ago for presiding the last 2 library orientations yesterday. i don't know what's wrong with it, but anyway, she said it was supposed to be for my 2nd boss and that i shouldn't have taken  it. i only took it because 2nd boss asked me to. she even said i orient better lol

// pengeng crush! ang boring naaaaaa. =__=;

// black jackets look so cool on men ♥ ♥ ang attractive tingnan eh, i'm not taking about hoodies and cotton ones. yung pang adult basta HAHAHA JM wore one awhile ago hehehe

// i wish jessica zafra would write chick lit, cos her humor is perfect.

what a day

first thing in the morning we had a quiz at discrete math, followed by the ICON general assembly. we were supposed to hold the election today but it was POSTPONED because of a lot of freaking issues. i don't know, it was a totally uncool day. supposedly, the remaining partylists should present themselves, have a short debate and finally leave their futures at our mercy. but no, instead of a debate between the candidates, it was the body who argued among themselves. including me, cos i just had to voice out my opinion.***

and now, because it seemed like no one is qualified enough to run for position, we deemed it proper to amend the election code JUST so we could have candidates.

there is something seriously wrong with the entire ICON constitution, and it must be amended ASAP. there are too many loopholes and weakly established articles. if we continue to abide by a law that remained unamended for 6 years and nobody agrees upon, this organization is going down.

i hate to compare, but we don't have problems like this in my previous org.

candidates, be strong! this isn't anything like a national election but you have to expect the same. don't let your emotions overtake you, for God's sake.

--------

i have a super bad headache right now, and i remember this came from orienting 2 classes awhile ago about the library. it was impromptu, but thank God's there's a powerpoint presentation to follow. it was pretty easy talking to first years, compared to when i stepped down at the AVR awhile ago to voice out my opinion, my knees were shaking. hahaha

---------

oh yehey! new phone, nokia 1202! i told you it's the cheapest LOL fine, i downgraded and it's because i don't anymore see the need for fancy phones. haha
*** - it seemed like i had a lot of supporters awhile ago. the avr cheered for me when i came down. and cheered more when i delivered my speech. i felt like a cool kid. >8D

ate, pengeng ketchup

PE awhile ago was okay. i lost in badminton, but i won twice in pingpong! that's like my first wins everr. take note that none of us were really good at it. it's either i sucked, or my opponent sucked more... and vice versa (if i lost).

ice cream craving #1 fulfilled. brian finally treated me chocosundae. and terai still owes me a pint of coffee crumble ice cream, but that's gonna have to wait.

i don't know what they put in it, but mcdonald's' ketchup has an addictive factor for me. and i just realized that besides not being a fan of french fries, i love angel's cheeseburger more than mcdonald's'.

by the way, it rained hard awhile ago while when we were at the rooftop playing pingpong. i've never been this scared of rain in my entire life (and i've never felt this good at pingpong too LOL), maybe because it was too up close and we were in a highly unsafe place. everyone (referring to us girls) was panicking... including me, but mentally haha. and i thought the world was ending already, but i recalled that God said he wouldn't drown the entire humankind to death anymore, because most of us know how to swim already and he probably didn't want the next human race to be a bunch of flood survivors. kidding.

then my phone finally gave up on me. it probably got soaked in the rain (but i really think the culprit is my sweating butt). the keypads won't respond and i refuse to have it repaired cos i think it's a sign that i should get a new phone already. and i want this nokia something something, the cheapest nokia phone everrr. HAHA it's only 1,200. tomorrow, fine. dear beloved motorola e398, your 6 years of service was not put in vain. may you rest well in peace, and in my drawer too.

on another note: he read my drawings. saw. read. whatever. and i wanted to hide, because i basically exposed my emo side to him. and he was curious. what do i do? lie? maybe i can tell him the truth. maybe i could share that part of me with him. maybe i can trust him? he seems like a good guy. and i'm such an emo girl at the moment, it's disgusting me.

on yet another note: the wait is over. this day was quite liberating. goodbye stupid love. i dedicate this quote for you: "i never stopped loving you, i only stopped showing it." but eventually i'll stop loving you. i'll just have to wait. to love in silence is such an uncool tragedy, but i gathered it will be more tragic if it were public so nevermind. human nature says we must spare ourselves of unnecessary pain. and that's what i'm gonna do, plus learn more adjectives.

puppy love, stupid love, true love. i'm on stage 2.

some things are better left unseen right? if it's the only thing that would keep my sanity intact. i never wanted this to become serious, i never thought it would - in the first place. but it did. life's one way of saying fuck you is by making me fall in love with someone i can't trust, someone i can't imagine a happy, stress free and insecurity free relationship with. someone who catalyzes the production of toxins in my body by making me feel bad every single day. in short, someone not good for me. 

it could be a total insult on his part (only if he cares) because i'm calling him my STUPID LOVE. 
i love you, but you're not the one for me. i figured that by imagining life with you. painful. so is it still love? right when i don't believe in you? right when i don't trust you enough? how can i love someone who hurts me? 


precisely why it's called STUPID. :(


Dear Lord,


can i bargain with you? either you show me mr. true love, or you remove the feelings i have for mr. stupid love. i want him to downgrade to just a close friend, but you know, the type i cannot possibly love. if you have to show me the same clinic jim carrey went to, from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, that would be equally helpful. just make sure they have a branch in the phils cos i don't have a passport yet. which reminds me, i'm not attending my appointment for passport application tomorrow, because of him (partly). 


Amen

whew

i need a break. i rrrreaaally need a break. a pint of coffee crumble ice cream, or cheeseburger with lots of ketchup. just something i can use to unwind. this day was particularly busy... i'm talking about work. i don't know about systems, but we don't have one. my boss isn't systematic after all, and we suffer because of it. hey, i'm just following orders. and maybe i should care less cos whatever happens, we get paid. but no, i'm not just working to get paid, i'm working to help improve the library system. LOL not really, i just want to be a good worker.

this is why we're busy: we are transitioning from manual to automated library system. we're using barcodes and computers now. we're going hitech. i know that after all this shiz, everything will be smoooooth. it's the transition stage that needs a lot of getting used to right? this is all for the better! i'm so sure of it, i just have to be more patient and diligent and put up with all the junk. then, it will become better. yey for being optimistic.

LOL i've been depressed for a week. i hereby diagnose myself with SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder. but that's just an excuse, i'm usually happy when the weather is cold. i'm waiting for ice cream. >:(

ETA: there will come a time when i won't be able to hold it anymore. and on that day, i want a pint of selecta coffee crumble ice cream, and lots of homework. >:(((((

man, can i just cry??? i eat banana regularly and i still feel sad. i need a fix. this isn't about the weather anymore.

always one foot on the ground

QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE

answering machine
*beeeeeeeep*

"i wish i could be there for you, but whenever i want to express my concern... i hesitate and do otherwise, because there are already a lot of people who gave theirs, so i thought you wouldn't need mine. and i never actually felt you needed mine in the first place. sorry if i wasn't a good friend to you. i never gave you anything within my initiative because i was too scared that if i did, i might give too much, give the wrong impression and spill my fucking feelings. something i didn't want you to know, at least not now. i don't even know if i want to hear you after this. you're my fucking first love. ok, you can stop being friends with me now. i can totally understand. just, you know... take care. and get well soon."

*hangs up*

QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE QUOTE

that's harry!
something's wrong with me, i'm back to reading fics! i haven't done this for months. i missed you harry potter!

i still hate motorcycles

do you have any scars on your body? if so, how did you get them? -- random formspring question

that question reminded me of my greatest trauma.

one hungry night... terai, vianne (a dormmate) and i went to buy food. while walking, a speeding motorcycle passed by and hit my right arm. tapos my head also hit the driver's helmet hahaha i even said sorry to the driver cos i thought i was an obstruction to his path HAHAHA but he didn't even pause to check!!! the first thing i felt was my head, cos it was frakking painful i thought it would split. then the tricycle drivers were asking me how i was and why i said sorry and that i should report the driver to the barangay blah blah blah. i didn't get anything, my head was spinning. i couldn't hear terai and vianne either, i just wanted to buy tapsilog and saba con yelo cos i was starving. when we were at the carinderia na, vianne freaked out cos my arm was bleeding na pala. e mas masakit ulo ko kaya siguro di ko na feel. magkaganun man, i still bought food. when we were back at the dorm, i cleaned my arm, ate, and slept.

that was 3 years ago! the scar is almost gone na nga eh! but i can never forget the splitting headache it gave me! that was the worst headache i've ever had. buti na lang hindi ako tinopak. or so i thought???

ever since then, i get easily nervous when i'm on the street and there's a motorcyle coming. HAHAHAHA kaya wag kayo magreklamo kung matagal ako tumawid! pauunahin ko muna lahat ng motor para sa ikapapanatag ng aking nervous system.

if you wanna ask me anything, go to my formspring account HERE!!!

twisted

i borrowed Twisted by Jessica Zafra from the library... i was actually looking for The 500 people you meet in hell cos i ran over it at the OPAC but i couldn't find it, so instead i just took another of her accounts... one of her firsts i guess? i haven't finished the book, but it's a compilation of her daily broadsheet columns way way back (the book is old.. 1995, i guess). it's pretty cool, it's like a blog and i love her humor. >:) go you!

by the way, i'm currently at fitness first sm north, waiting for my parents to text me so we can go home. they're at church for the homebuilders ministry (equivalent to couples for christ) and i'm here... to shop for the things i need, specifically bathroom stuff. i was only supposed to buy lotion and conditioner... but i ended up going past a thousand bucks cos i threw in a couple more items at the basket. really, it's one thing to be shopping without my parents, i get to pay for everything. now i'm semi broke. hahaha

haaaay grabe i suddenly feel depressed. may mangyayari sigurong ayoko. >:(

nanaginip ako!

this was a week ago pa, but i can still remember parts of it... i was with hannah, martha and some people i don't remember... there were goons chasing us at the field... yung field sa holy... there was a broken swing at the end of the field... hmm.. ano pa ba...di ko na alam haha basta parang may grupo dun ng mga lokoloko tapos sabi, "sige tumakbo na kayo muahahaha" parang ganon, parang rapist ang dating shiiiit. so tumakbo naman kami! tapos may nakaharap akong mamang may balisong, nilabanan ko daw sya deeeeym di ako nasugatan whew, nakatakas daw ako. basta ganon... napadpad kami dun sa isang bahay sa other side ng feild, pinauna ko sa loob sina hannah kasi hinahabol pa kami nung mga mokong. haaaaaay scary much.

another fragment was this: i was in an unfamiliar house na puti rin lahat ng pader, trying to hide from someone... babae yung humahanap sakin, maputi... pero di ko maalala yung mukha... so i was running around the house, looking for a place to hide... i was pretty skillful that time... i can climb walls and jump like a parkour (sp?) which was really cool... tapos i was hiding at the ceiling part of the house ewan basta... suspense! tapos lumabas na ng bahay yung girl parang susuko na... tapos naglakad na palayo... tapos biglang bumalik! sa sobrang kaba ko, nagising na ko. haha

hahaha

why do i feel like we're growing closer everyday... or at least, every time we see each other? haha. hahaha. WAHAHAHAHAHAHA wooooh grabe. library work is becoming tedious, i just don't run out of things to do. she makes me type stuff, i'm not even halfway and she asks me to do another, i pause to finish something and she reminds me to do the other thing first. what do you want me to do exactly maaaam??? anyway, hindi naman ako nagrereklamo. yun nga lang, ang gulo nya mag-utos!

darnnnniiit, i hate losing RFs. it fckn drives me crazy. you see, we're collecting students' IDs and RFs for barcoding... and sometimes in the process of having a RF signed, it gets lost, and it's stressful when we can't give it back to the students cos it's fckn missing. that's 250 pesos per reprint. haaaay buhay. i'm on duty tomorrow morning and I MUST (hopefully) accomplish these 2 things: edit 763 accession numbers at the OPAC + request papers.

seriously, i just want to put stickers on books. >:(

his poem. honestly, i've read it a couple of times already waaaay back even before he asked me to read it. he seems proud of his work but honestly, i don't get it. O_O; and i don't know how to tell it to him. the structure is messy, and i don't see the underlying theme. i'm sorry but, i'm a reader and i know when a poem is deep. his isn't, it's just... a plethora of words. oh my God, i'm so sorry. i'm sure he's gonna ask me if i read it, lol anong sasabihin ko? nice one? naaah, i'll just go tell him hindi ko nagets! na nalunod ako? no really, it's magulo. hahaha sorry na? i'm not a poet but i know grammar... at least. @_@; sorry.

they want me to run for position. and they're wooing me like i'm their only hope. i don't think so! for one thing,  i don't like the party? not really, i just don't appreciate their platforms, and if i run for them it means i have to stand by something i'm faithless on. i cannot defend them that way. do i want to run? NO. i actually thought about it, i'm not going to win anyway so there's nothing to lose, i can just run to show erni support but that's so against my principles (i kinda have that too, apparently haha). i'm only running when i'm ready to serve. i ain't doing anything for the wrong reasons.

thing is, erni has plans for me and he said he wants to work with me. you know what caught me? he said, if i'm going to design a shirt for the org, i'll get an incentive per tshirt sold. that's really cool, but honestly that'll sound better if they'll take me as an independent artist and not as an officer, cos then it'll sound selfish of me. parang, why not do it for the org na lang? in short, why not do it for free? odba, therefore, kung usapang pera din lang naman... i don't need to be an officer to market my skills. hahaha

so yeah, i'm not running. hehehe

bagong buuuuuhaaaay

wala wala wala wala wala wala wala wala wala na talagaaaaaaa. kaya don't flatter yourself at wag ka na rin umasa dahil hindi kita hihintayin. alang alang na rin sa... hindi ko pa alam, sa iba siguro, o sa sarili ko, o dun sa isa pang inaasahan kong malabo 2hrs away from here. ewan. basta hindi na ikaw. >:) wala muna sa ngayon. ay ang boring. sige, maghahanap ako. hahaha

ang aga ko natapos! i finished terai's charge slips na sa wakas!
matutulog na ko yey! >:)

i love calculus.
eeeew, pero seryoso. ♥

guilty

@_@ sige kakalimutan ko na lang. i never imagined it would come to a point na hindi ko maappreciate to be called that way. e dati tuwang tuwa ako sa ganon. feel na feel ko! ngayon, it doesn't sound endearing anymore, it sounds like a boundary pa tuloy. like, i'm calling you this to remind you who you are and where you should be. dyan ka lang. ok? OKAY PO.

###1: ever since may nagsabi sakin, lagi na kong guilty. guilty na hindi na tayo tulad ng dati. na hindi na kita malapitan ng maayos. na badtrip ako sayo lagi kasi nakakairita kasi ugali mo. pero siguro kung hindi ko nalaman close parin tayo no? matotolerate parin kita diba? ngayon awkward na pag tayo lang. hmp. anyway. that's a lost friendship. ikaw rin, di mo na ko kaya asarin.

###2: nag-guilty ako cos i don't give you the treatment you deserve. nadadala rin ako sa sabi ng iba. pero seriously, there's just one thing i hate about you. flirt ka. and that's just one side of you, i know kaya nga bati parin tayo. hindi naman ako judgmental e. you're a good friend naman eh. iritable lang talaga ko sa mga malalandi. haha sorry. pero di kita pinaplastik kasi masaya ka naman minsan HAHAHA sorry kanina ayaw ka namin ipagtabuyan pero irita pa kasi si friendship sayo, chka bonding day daw namin. chka hindi ko talaga mapatawad yung reaksyon mo nung nakita mo si paolo. like, AMPOTA SARAP SABUNUTAN NITONG BABAENG TO kahit walang akong karapatan dun sa lalaki nairita ko. no wonder. nooooo wonder.

###3: gusto ko rin ng someone. someone else.

###4: walang biro, i feel dumber this term. parang the 1 week i was gone from school robbed me a lot of my grades. nakakalungkot.

###5: ayoko na sa lib. joke lang. ang hirap kasi bantayan nung mga ginagawa namin e, buti kung araw araw akong duty e hindi naman... ang hirap makisunod. rrrrrrr

###6: pang-nrmf yung PE uniform ko nakakahiya every wednesdays. grrrrr chaka anobayan, ano bang alam ko sa sports? nilampaso ako ni mommy b kanina. HAHAHA chka seerrrr, ano yung ping pong?! ngayon lang ako naka-experience non amp wala ngang marunong magscore samin eeeehh ang bobo tlga ng PE na to.

ay bwiset

natatanga na ko sa lib.