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yet another sickening thought

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my lecture standing in microbiology is 5.0
and the only chance i have to turn it into a 4.0 is to get a standing of 2.5 (or better) in the laboratory, then i can take the removal exam to hopefully get a 3.0, but if i fail, i'm back to 5.0.

why, of all the subjects? micro1?
i'm not saying it's too easy to fail, but i never expected my standing would be that low. then again, upon self evaluation... i don't study for our daily quizes and i've already met the maximum number of absences.

right, arianne.
you became too negligent without you knowing it.

next time, if you plan to take another act of delinquency... count them. tally them and take note of your notoriety.

i'm sort of depressed.

but this is just what i needed to get myself to act, somehow.

then my mind wandered off to transferring to diliman (for the nth time).

i realized that the idea of transferring to the college of fine arts in diliman has become my defense mechanism not to let me dwell on my depression too much. somehow it has turned more into an escape route rather than an actual feasible action. i've made myself a room in my brain where i can console myself and think that even though i suck as an engineering student, i may actually be one of the best in the field of fine arts. and whenever i feel saddened about my acad standing, i rush to that room and contemplate.

i don't belong here.
i fucking don't belong here.

that's what my mind shouts everyday.
that's what my peers make me feel everyday.

i know i definitely don't belong here, but i'm stuck.

and the problem is with me.
like it has always been.