fudgery (aka kaartehan)

i don't know what's worse, posting crap about someone in blind items publicly, or telling crap about someone specifically behind their backs (or behind them, depends if you think behind their backs is actually their front). hmm. when it all comes down to it, every one's a bitch when they're angry. and well, for the lack of real friends or for the love of words, my anger is often vented into cyberspace; in my blog, in my tweets, in my statuses. and now that they don't seem to be doing me any good, i'm becoming desperate for another outlet. i look back to the old people in my life and hesitate because they've all distanced away from me, either that or i've become too wary that they might be too busy to hear me out or something. ang pathetic e no. my friends would totally hate me for this fudgery.
it's unfair to call myself alone. i know there are people out there who are willing to listen to me but well, the choice is not theirs. i can't just pick any friend to confide with. my world has gotten smaller. every little thing i do gets noticed. i am subject to every scrutinizing pair of eyes. the pressure is freaking me out. this isn't another crap load of assumptions i made to put the spotlight on myself. i could totally break anytime. and people would think i'm still being self-centered.

it sucks cos i have to limit myself to this blog. i've probably become too self reliant to ever consider other people's help. i never thought people would hate me for this. seriously. fuuudge. here i was breaking out of mediocrity and people think i'm being too big. the trust i was so hopeful of digging out fell 6 more feet under. this is hopeless. i feel annoyed. and betrayed for the nth freaking time. 

and i'm afraid that one day you'll discover all this shit and leave. it's takes a heart to accept things which cannot be changed, no matter how good the intentions are.

Blog Archive