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i need friends who have the same level of freedom my parents give me

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that's what i've realized this day. seems like even though i want to hang out with my favorite people, they're not always free. and even though i'm racking my mind for people i can dial up in the most uncompromising times, i always end up being hesitant. they might be sleeping already, they might be busy, they might not have time for me, or they probably wouldn't be interested enough with what i have to say.

sometimes, even with the number of friends i have, at the end of day i couldn't find someone whom i could run to without notice. i feel like such a loner. if there is just one person whom i could text about anything, talk about anything, call at any hour, drag anywhere spontaneously, listen to me rant and rave, and visit home short-noticed... i could bear to lose everything else. kidding. but, point taken? just one person. it doesn't have to be a guy for gawdsake, but since i already sound like someone yearning for such... k, fine. whatever you give me, Lord.

i don't easily open up. there has to be a certain level of trust i feel with any close friend of mine before i totally spill. and not just that, it has to be mutual. i so miss the people in UPLB i'm literally in tears now. they're like the last people i've ever had sensible talks with. we're equally free and our brains jive. i get so much sense and affirmation talking to them. when will i ever get these kind of people back? my housemates, kat and july. i fucking miss you all, i'm crying while typing this. i need you. uhhh, for the reason that i haven't been into an intellectually stimulating conversation lately. and also for the reason that you're one of the best listeners i know. >:(

hey you know what, i like psychologists. they're equally sensible and you'll learn alot about yourself. it would be great to have a psychologist friend whom i can run to to psychoanalyze my problems. fuckyeah, last resort. LOL which reminds me, i actually have one. >XD

i want to take this chance to thank my bestfriend for allowing me to barge in their house at 10pm. and even though i wasn't able to really spill, cos errrr you knoooow, it's really heartwarming that she responded to my call (err tweet, actually) and reminded me that afterall, there's still someone willing to listen. that's what i needed, assurance of interest. i wouldn't turn to someone who doesn't care, even if i want to. hehe

it's 3am. i had carbonara and coffee crumble ice cream for dinner. i can't sleep. but i will. good mornight.