ruled by expectations

school starts tomorrow! hello third term! i promise to do better this term, academically. haha i figured i'm facing much bigger responsibilities now than i have back in uplb. for one, everyone expects me to be the same old A- student, if not A+. it's hard to live a life ruled by others' expectations, but somehow, it can't be helped. it's my choice whether i'd bend into their demands or not. but the consequences are grave if i don't (i.e. shame). i'm not worrying about it though, because what they demand of me is the same thing i demand of myself every single day. their expectations are no different from mine, which makes it easier to bear. they expect me to be smart? i WANT to be smart. they expect to see my name on the list of scholars? i WANT to see my name there. they expect me to be a math whiz just like my dad? i WANT to be a math whiz, more than my dad hahaha. so it's not anymore a matter of what THEY expect me to be, but of WHAT i expect myself to become as well.

i know how hard it is to be expected something i can't give, it withers my optimism to death. everyday i want to be smarter, i want to learn more, i want to excel and rise above the rest because it's the only way i can regain the cognitive sense i've lost when i was in uplb. my self-esteem was murdered there, everyday i'm at the bottom of the academic ladder. i was made to think that everyone else is smarter, better, stronger and has higher IQ. it's a place where elite minds meet, and not say hi to each other hehe.

but besides the academic stress, i could never forget the place cos it's where i met truly exceptional personalities. people with so much sense i could go on talking to them for hours about anything at all. these people made me realize that's it's not all about IQ. i met people who are as academically challenged as i was, and they were the best people i've ever talked to.

whenever i tell stories to my feu-fern friends of how much i was a delinquent before, they wouldn't believe me. they never thought i had failed so much before. but i did. hahaha the most depressing semester of my uplb life was when i failed 14 out of 20 units i took that sem. almost got kicked out of school. but that was the past, and i'm trying to erase overwrite all the bad records i gathered for 3 years hehehehe

lol, i'm playing candy cruncher so i'll stop here.

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