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yes, and my being slow and and dense isn't going to get me anywhere. hmmmmm so given that i'm such an insensitive creature, i would appreciate it if people would just tell it to me straight. i'm too creative, my assumptions are going to be so out of this world ridiculous and downright improbable that i'd end up taking the safest, most negative side. i've always been like this, and it's hindering me from the kind of social life i wanted to experience.

this is confusing. they say, this is it. but i don't believe it. i was sort of programmed into thinking that if it's too good to be true, it most probably isn't. i was so consumed with my fantasies that when it broke into reality, i lose my grip. this isn't real. maybe i'm just trapped in a second level dream and i must wake up before i die, lest i get stuck in limbo.

hm. calculus was a major pisser. there was not enough time to get through the blasted questions completely. and tomorrow, i'm gonna go fuck another test. this is exactly the reason why i bank so much on my midterm standing. i know my final grade will decline by the time the term is over. haaay.

i wanna know what's up. as in the exact thing behind what's happening in my darned creatively paranoid universe. i should be in control but the outside forces are too, uhm, weird. i don't get it. i simply don't. and when i don't get anything, i turn nega. tell me, please. i'm too dumb for this. fuckyeaaaahhh
yeah. literally. was supposed to study for calculus the entire day but i ended up spending it with my sister cos it's her rest day today, and i wanted to accompany her cos it's the only day i get to spend an entire day with her. we were supposed to go to megamall to stroll around... BUT we came through a lot of hassles, quarrels which brought me to just leave her and go home. how? we went to the store first to encode her attendance, then we rode straight to megamall. halfway there, her boss texted her that she forgot to encode something else. she got mad  --i dunno, she always does-- at herself, most probably, for ever forgetting that stupid thing that cost her the entire trip. gawd, she's a monster. we got down the bus and had to walk a mile to reach the bus stop so we could go back to the store. she was bickering relentlessly on the way, cursing and shouting and blaaaaah. it was such a shame being with her. i could've tolerated her more, but she suddenly threw her phone on the ground!!!! you don't know how much it hurt it me, seeing her throw her phone carelessly on the pavement, for one thing, I BOUGHT THAT FOR HER. i bought it in replacement of her old phone who died cruelly of excessively being hurled at the floor. i bought it in hopes that whenever she thinks of throwing it out of rage, she'll think of me and put her freaking hand down. apparently she didn't.

she never changed.

the phone spilled open, and i had to pick it up piece by piece. it was a relatively cheap phone but i bought it from my earnings, which isn't big, you know. i shoved the parts into my bag and walked away. she followed closely behind. when we're on the bus, i tried to fix her phone but the keypad was lost, so i just gave it to her. i told her i'm getting off on the way home, and she could well settle her store issues alone. i gave her my umbrella in case it rains.

i got home, and took the entire happening as a chance for me to start studying calculus. i was about to take a bath when she called, and asked me to come with her to the mall. she was trying to make it up to me. i was tired, but i followed her, in case she tries to do anything stupid. at least i'll be there to document it, and laugh at her. she's the type of person who gets guilty over her childish tantrums so easily, and tries to make things up immediately. blah blah blah blah. we're ok now. except that i can't forgive her for buying such an ugly casing for her now battered phone.

okok. i'll study now. jimm's, i'm your slave tonight.
OK. PROMISE I'LL JUST LET THINGS BE. DI NA KO MAGKKWENTO (UNLESS I'M BEING ASKED) NG KUSA. I'LL SHUT UP ABOUT JM. WALA LANG. AYOKO NA. @_@ THIS WILL BE THE LAST DAY YOU'LL HEAR (READ?) ME TALKING ABOUT HIM, AS A MAJOR CRUSH. LOL

WANNA BET?
i don't understand why despite all these, these hormonal flips my major crush gives me, i still think of you. like no one could compare. maybe it needs a lot of getting used to, to be able to stand on the same ground with him. oo tama, parang yung sayo, it took me half a year to get myself fully accustomed to you and your antics, and also to make myself comfortable in your presence. and hirap kasi ng natetense. LOLZ from major crush to close friend, that's a freaking awkward transition. but after that it becomes super cool kasi the awkwardness has died down and was replaced by a super friendship. that's what i need, apparently, super friends!!!! everything must start with that. i guessss??? oo kaya.

so far, i can only imagine myself with one person. yun lang. suntok sa buwan pa. so uhm. sige. magaaral muna ko. Lord, bahala ka na po.

pengeng nips. >:\
last night, after coming home from school, i slept immediately! i couldn't take the stress anymore. i'm not even sure if that's stress, but i was tired, my eyes were itching from being awake for too long. i haven't even started studying yet! the essay stressed me big time. and i'm still suffering from the repercussions. @_@

7pm and i'm down. i remembered daddy waking me up for dinner but i just shrugged him off, i'm too sleepy and full with the cheeseburger (solomots jejejec!). >:)

i dreamed a lot! i guess i dreamed about flying? not on a broomstick though like my first flying dream, just me, with outstretched arms floating in the air, above what seemed like a lake! and what's awesome is that it's almost lucid! i wanted to go faster and i really flew faster! i wanted to dip close to the water surface and i did! i flew higher and higher until i was about to reach the clouds... then i woke up! i couldn't say it's completely lucid because there's this feeling in me that while flying, i was semi awake, but i knew i was dreaming so i couldn't waste the chance to manipulate it and try not to shoot an eyelid up for the fear of losing the scene.

ewan. i wish i could have more lucid dreams in the future. i enjoy them so much. and look, i realized that in a completely lucid dream, i couldn't do much, like move my arms and walk. all i can do is command. heck, why didn't i try ordering my legs to move? nyek. but in a semi-lucid dream, i can act. next thing i wanna experience is to have a completely lucid dream where i can act freeeeely. grabe it's the mooooost liberating feeling in the world! to have full control over your subconscious. >8D

then i woke up at 5am. i checked my phone and was struck with one message. alam na. pwedeng magpanic? it was a simple message, sent 7hours earlier. i don't know why. but my heart flipped. eeeeh, you know how it goes! at shempre, i just missed the chance to turn that into a conversation. e bakit ba, malay mo GM? if i were only awake 7hours ago deym... kaso i was so busy flying and trying to control my inner universe. haha aaand, as if i could actually turn that into a conversation?!?! AS IIIIIFFFF. ako pa? na isang napakagaling na conversationalist? sows!

i remember my previous previous majorcrush back in uplb. our relationship was completely impersonal, the only thing we talk about through text is whether i've emailed him my part for the project, or whether there's class. nothing much, really. when the engineering meet came, we started talking about our orgs. how we'll come about facing each other on court. blah blah blah. one day, he texted a quote. nakalimutan ko na basta alam ko sinulat ko yun somewhere. when i received it was like, "WAAAAH DORMATES NAGTEXT SI @#$%^&*( NG QUOTE SHEEEEEEZZZZ" then the girls converged around me, laughing at my reaction, my seemingly stressed out features, suggesting things like, "replyan mo!!!" "wag, bukas na! magsend ka rin ng isang quote" yung iba "HAHAHAHAHA stressed nanaman si arianne!"

in the end, i didn't say anything. i didn't reply. not even a single quote.
and that was the first and last quote i received from him. ah so ano yon? kung nagreply ako may susunod?! sometimes they say i'm too dense. i couldn't spot a hint. duh, sino bang mag-aakalang hint yon? apparently, sila. pero ako hindi.

one day, he texted "arian, kamusta?" and i froze. again. grabe dyusko, i could still remember how stupid my reply was, i told him "ui ok lang! napasa ko na yung report natin hehehe" BLAH BLAH BLAH. why do i always come up with the stupidest replies? e malay ko ba?! the only sensible thing he could ask me that time was whether i've finished the report already. other than that, ano pa ba? e

imagine, kung pa-simple lang pala lahat ng yon, tas sinakyan ko edi ano. sdfghjgfvhdgafv wala lang. there were so many chances i blew because i didn't know how to read guys. i was too consumed with my fantasies that when it breaks into reality, parang too good to be true na kaya i end up conluding it's not true.

hindi ko alam.
grabe ngayong naaalala ko sya, natatawa ko ng major major (bonggang bongga).
whew. i just want this term to end and indulge in a sleep fiesta.

bwiset lang e no. every time i get reminded of it, i can't help thinking that everything we shared from the start was in vain. what a major major problem LOL. bwiset bat kasi ganon. parang tanga naman. kelangan talaga ganon? hindi naman e pota. 

hindi na nga e. magaaral na nga e. sori sori.

ay grabe. kala ko sa TV ko lang to napapanuod. posible pala mangyari sa totoong buhay yung mga issue issue sa mga kaibigan. weird. parang andali lang sa TV e pero in real life, nakaka-windang. hala ano na gagawin ko Lord? ano ba naman kasi yan. pwede bang mag-aminan na lang. HAHAHAHA YAAAAAK WAAAAAHHH JOKE LANG @_@

okay iniisip ko pa lang naloloka na ko. i therefore conclude i'm such a fawkin wimp. 

was supposed to go swimming with brian today pero di natuloy buti na lang kasi naisip ko, lintek wala pa kong tulog, buti na lang umulan. 

and the frakking essay. bwiset talaga. i toiled over it for 8 hours! 3 full pages == 8 hours. i can never be a good writer that way fuuuuuck. o tapos i didn't even get what i was trying to say. ang gulow. 

having it notarized was the real pain. i had to time out early para maihabol yung submission ko. good thing there was a notary public at sandigan pero madugo amputek sobra literaaaal. nagbubungkal kasi ng lupa yung major major equipment dun e tas umulan pa so the ground was so yuckily soft yakkeeehhh. bwiset.

o tapos, the girl who was supposed to buy my LG today backed out! HUHUHU ok. need to sell it nanaman. dyusko Lord, bilhin nyo na kasi tong phone ko. kelangan ko na kacheeeeeng. 

i'm tired sobra. i need to take a midnight bath. >:)
a blog entry before i officially start slaving myself over schoolwork. there's just too much to do. and i've run out of jimm's 7-in-1 coffee, so tyaga tyaga muna sa nescafe 3in1. antok na nga ako e. patay.

the quirino hostage taking was an awful reminder of how our police forces lack a hell lot of training, and balls too. in less than an hour i've gathered a bunch of funny SWAT mock definitions on facebook:

sugod, wait, atras, takbo!
super wala akong training
sige wait abang tayo
sana wag ako tamaan

just to name a few.

and now we're on travel alert status at many countries. HK has also imposed a travel ban here.
goodbye tourism. what a slap for the current administration. God help us.

k. got work to do.
i couldn't believe how much i put my entire academic life on that single piece of technology, such that when it got lost, my world was in shambles. i couldn't study. i couldn't write a single code. my life as an in-progress-fail-programmer was sabotaged because i lost/misplaced/dropped my USB somewhere i don't remember.

i'm depressed! HUHUHUHU that 4gigs transcend USB covered with pink snoopy printed scotch tape meant a lot to me. a lot, meaning my entire database and OOP grades rely on it. my notes are there! my source codes! and they're not simply source codes. for one thing, THEY RUN.

WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! !@#$%^&*()_)(*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*()
>X(((((

ETA: Lord, my life is a mess. i couldn't get a single code to work. fucking red outputs all over! i'm in the mood for studying but my mind isn't. deppressed sya Lord. brain wants the USB back. huhu is there any kind of music that could awaken the dormant programmer in me? assuming that everyone has a dormant trait inside, then i would probably have a recessive programmer gene. wake it up Lord. please. i'm no good without my USB. it's kinda like my (academic) life. am i violating commandment #2? (or 1? idk) SORRY LORD. please please show me my USB WAHUHUHUHUHU WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

is this my karma for stealing a black 1 gig USB belonging to J**** R**** (i checked the files. couldn't resist to know if the guy's a good source. of codes). is it?? but i thought that was my good karma for sharing my homework to my friends.

oh the burdenssss of material attachment.  bwiset.

HUHUHU USB KO PLEZZZZ. T_T;
before i forget!

so there's a competition i was watching, the contestants were all americans and kris aquino was one of the judges. one of the contestants was a fat ex-cheerleader who wore a pink frilly dress and jumped onto the stage like a stiff flyer. she's good. the other one was a rocker who wore tight leather and violet accessories. her hair is styled up like a punk rocker and she has thick black/violet eyeliner. she sang during the intro. she has a good voice! in fact i remember the melody of the song. i'm just not sure if i've heard it somewhere else. then kris aquino was touched by the song that she walked out from her chair and slid from the judges corner, all the way down to sing along with that contestant. she sang a different song, one which has an old feel in it. it was a good song. then i woke up.

my dreams are pretty random these days. but i'm glad they are. recurring dreams serve as some sort of premonition right? i'm paranoid enough to worry about that. naman o.

this morning terai brought us blueberry cheesecake, pizza, a half-pound grilled burger, burritos and bibingka from the yearly Banchetto (midnight food fest) at Emerald Ave. Ortigas. SOBRANG BUSOG. goodbye diet. ang hirap grabe. sobra. HUHUHUHU

makapag bio-fit nga. grr
ETA: i forgot what i was supposed to tell while browsing. hmmm. tomorrow's supposed to be a holiday but some sonofa!@#$ scheduled for a remedial class. right when i should be sleeping the entire day. who says i'm coming. fuuuuck.

i've never had this much pimples in my entire life. HAHAHAHA osige, that's not my biggest problem.

my biggest problem would be my health wilting the more i spend time at the circulation area at the library. and i couldn't just tell my boss or my co-SA's that i'm allergic to dust, cos the bulk of what we're gonna do for the next terms include spending an entire shift wallowing in dusty, old, weathering books. @_@ (that's if i'm staying. BIG IF)

and my fucking right knee is starting to hurt again. wtf is wrong with my body? i need exercise. i want to swim. i missed being fit. school has made me into looking like a wretched zombie every morning. and everyday it consumes me whole.

it's my health that's fucking my lifestyle right now!!! i've been wheezing my brains out the entire day because i spent two hours behind the shelves. i hate being at the front, but it's better than spending a minute with old books.



i still hate our boss. occasionally. but i couldn't bring myself to despise her entirely. everything she does is for the good of the library. and even though she sometimes doesn't deliver her instructions well and blames us for lacking comprehension, i still respect her. but sometimes... k fine. lol

hala magcompute tayo ng grades. so far my midterm standings are okay naman. when i say okay, abot pa sa scholarship. ewan ko lang talaga sa tinapang PE na yan.
wow my story still gets faved at ff.net! and it has already been 3 years. nakakatouch. thank you to the currently 57 communities who featured my story. BWAHAHA you're the reason why my story is still reaching out to many readers (and HPDM shippers lol). to the 249 reviewers, and the 307 people who faved my work. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

yeah. i get flattered more with strangers. that's why i never tell any of my friends about my work. and i actually also prefer strangers to read this blog. HAHA but ironically this blog is linked to all my personal accounts so whatever. i want hits. not necessarily readers. BWAHAHAHA



dear friend: i don't know what else to tell you that will justify my existence here. every time we talk you make me feel like i'm only wasting my future here, as someone who's from UP (LB lang naman). it's flattering that you think i'm too smart to be here. but srsly, i'm not the smartest at school. not yet? and i don't think i'll ever be there. why don't you ask the top scholar why she's here with us if you think this school doesn't deserve to have smart people? >:)

i know how you feel. we both feel like our school is full of crap. and that we're not learning enough. and that we'll march out unequipped with the right armaments to survive the real world. it doesn't take a genius to realize what's missing. but i'm only here for one thing, a diploma. and since i gathered that walking out of a mediocre school as a mediocre student won't do me any good, i figured i had to get a latin honor at least to compensate for being here. fuck yeah please. it's good to hear that someone thinks the same way. i only know of a few who see that.

dear friend #2: yaaak pinoproblema kita bat ganon? parang tanga. kahit may alam ka. i'm not giving you room for assumptions. hindi porket alam mong ganon, pwede na. tangna loob.
currently at La Barista's Coffee Bar. the place has mediocre coffee but it has wifi, OUTLETS, and it's only 20 pesos away from home. goodbye blenz. i wish they had your belgian mochachillo. but whatever.

i updated my netbeans IDE, i now have 2 FUCKING SERVERS at last. question is, will i be able to run the stupid thing our prof is demanding of us? IDK but at least with the 2 FUCKING SERVERS, i can try.

one last download and i'm going back home! 155MB worth of Enya music! yeheeey!!!

i'm so excited to get rid of my LG KP500. please. do the honor. i want a black Nokia 1280 instead. the flashlight is hard to get over with. LOL
grabe bakit ka ganyan? kahit sino na lang? ganon ka ba talaga ka-desperado? wait. what's new. ay sorry, hindi ka naman talaga desperado. sadyang malandi lang. pero my God, sige lumandi ka. pero pare, konting TASTE naman dyan. papatol ka na nga lang, dun pa sa laspag. o baka sinasakyan mo lang dahil pareho kayo ng hanap. utang na loob, i thought you have more class than that. akala ko marunong ka pumili, nagkakaubusan na ba at kapit sa malandi ka na?

ikaw naman mare. dyusko. sagad sagaran ang ka-cheapan mo. masyado kang public. over over. so you think you're hot? fuckyeah no. feeling maganda pero ang gaspang ng muka. isa lang naman advantage mo kaya andami mong nagagago eh, yun nga, malandi ka. easy to get. sana may sumeryoso sayo. 
we had to ride the mrt to reach the auditorium. while inside, i asked chamel to sell the playbills and take note of those who did, cos they're the only allowed to watch the play because of limited seats. blandy was there. tanja was there. they bought playbills. i don't remember who else did and who's inside the train. the doors closed and i looked for chamel but she's nowhere. that train started moving, when we heard a warning from the driver which says the railway is incomplete!

we were speeding through the metal rails when suddenly the train went on a free fall! everyone clung tightly for their lives as the train fell and gave an alarming thud as it landed on another railway underneath. a short pause, and it came running again, its engine revving to accumulate speed. and like a bad omen, the railway was yet again cut short and we were sent to another roller coaster ride, gripping for our lives. my poor nervous system couldn't handle the stress and thrill at the same time.

i woke up with a 'whew', thinking how i survived the first fall without gaining consciousness. i thought you were supposed to wake up when you're body is falling in a dream. but i didn't. i woke up on the second fall, instead.
i'm finally halfway with Sydney Sheldon's Master of the Game. so far, it's a good read. it's like a telenovela! >XD

wait lang. i'm trying to come up with a sound decision regarding this issue i'm in. i want to save our friendship so much that i'm willing to, whew, do something i've never done before. everytime i rehearse the words i'm gonna tell him, i end up wailing like crazy. HINDI KO KAYAAAAA.

taenang crush yan, big deal much?!?!
the play was fucking hilarious! it was funnier when i watched it on stage. it was overwhelming how the audience reacted positively to it, and i thought it was going to be a disappointment cos their rehearsals weren't really satisfying. they surprised me, they surprised everyone! LOL i feel guilty that i was a bit doubtful about this, but i gave my full support and helped when needed. i'm proud of this success. >:) congratulations to all. >:D

this kinda means i'm not busy again and will be doing useless chores to keep myself occupied. like uhm, doodling.

gawd i hate our prof. he doesn't teach and he's just bragging about himself. the world will do better without you.


the truth has never hurt me this bad. i feel pissed because this is where our friendship starts to wear off. it's hard to bring back the old times. it's hard to fake it all. even for the sake of preserving our friendship. i feel disappointed that i was misjudged, misunderstood and betrayed by the people i trusted too much, by the people i'm expecting to understand, by the people i assumed to know who i am... naturally. 

i dunno! let's not dwell on that. i'm done crying over it. 

currently. hacking my creative zen's hardware in hopes of resolving this white screen of death issue. my player looks cruelly battered now cos i'm cracking it open via a nipper! no better tools here what can i dooooo. if this works, i'm gonna cherish this player forever. i'm about to sell it at ebay with a white screen hardware defect, but i thought, if i could fix it, i wouldn't sell it anymore. besides, i don't wanna buy another player. 

btw, i'm selling my LG KP500 for 5K. who wants? see my listing at ebay. LOL search it over. i'm damn lazy.

hehe

right. still have some lousy programming to do.
i want to drink. seriously. i miss the feeling of getting dizzy and drunk and just being crazy with my friends. i miss being light-headed cos recently i've just entered a state of paranoia regarding my crush. don't i always? but it's weirder this time. no, it's the same. the same delusions. the same hurt. it's all the same. why. i fail so much.

jec has been a really helpful friend right now cos i can trust him. when i wrote 'trust', i actually felt a sting of dismay, not with him of course. gawdemit memories. he's a fucking good listener. i dunno if he ever gets pissed with my rantings but i seriously consider him as one of my most trusted friends. i hope he doesn't get tired of me constantly babbling about my crushes. lol

i got home really tired. practice wasn't really tiring on my part, i just had to sit there and comment. i don't even know why i have to always be present, but i like it. who knows. and fuck i won't be able to watch the entire play because of work. fucking piss.

the last thing i remember last night was me eating pizza and dozing off to sleep. wasn't able to go where i was supposed to. greenwich > pizza hut. srsly.

ah ok i know now. i was awake the entire yesterday because of the playbill and much as i would like to sell it to compensate for my efforts and lack of sleep, and mostly to have money for an afterparty, they're giving it for free. that kinda disappointed me but what can i do. which reminds me, i have to work on a hundred-fifty copies of those tonight. hay.

i'm tired. but i'm not complaining. i asked for this. i'm happy i'm helping out. yehey!
here's what ate up my entire night: an eight-paged playbill i made out of a cup of coffee and a bad headache. i'm not trying to be humble here for gawdsake, but my sister says this is prettier and more theater-material compared to my previous poster design. it's a poster and a playbill cover design in one, actually.


hay. the consequences of not drafting and brainstorming before hitting photoshop. @_@
so while the caffeine is still actively kicking in my nervous system, i'll go continue reading Master of the Game (see reading list to your right). I'M ALMOST HALFWAY LOL


perfect health. that's all i need right now. i could trade everything for it. i hate getting sick! i used to be really healthy! that was before i spent an entire summer at a newly painted dormitory 3 years back. i must've inhaled all the paint gas and had toxic deposits in my lungs. since then , i easily get colds. fuck.

heyhey! above is a picture of my bulletin board duh. it's pretty cluttered but i like it that way LOL

actually i only have two major things to do right now, and they're all ORGWORK. wow. i've never been this busy on extra curricular stuff, then again, ever since i transferred to fern, co-curricular stuff never gets me busy. at least not this busy. hehe

1. play bill - just how do you call a playbill a playbill when it has no sponsors? i suggested this for the sake of post-promotion. never thought i would be handling the entire content though (and layout). anyway, no one has ever encountered a playbill in our group before. and i'm pretty much on the advantage (no. not really) for having watched numerous theatrical productions at UPLB.

2. a 6-8 paged essay on UPRIGHTNESS. it's for the FEU-ACP Essay Writing contest which i'm so gonna curse to hell if it takes another 6 hours from my sleep-schedule. and knowing me, it might even take 8. as members of that writing org chuvaness at school, we were required to participate in this. tell you what, i really wanted to join this ever since it was posted, but i never got the time to do proper research. well, i did, i borrowed a compilation of winning essays from the previous years and thought there was nothing special with it. not that i could write better, but it was boring. nothing striking. maybe it's because of the theme. >:| ewan. i might not do this after all. tinatamad ako mehn. T_T;
i feel like people are overestimating my problems. HAHA sorry naman if my biggest problem right now is my CRUSH. did that disappoint you? am i not entitled to worry about such a trivial thing? did it strike you as you as odd that i'm worrying about something that you wouldn't think worried me in the first place?! do i look like i'm too old for this? (i know, yes. but, reallllyyyy???!?!?!!!)

ok. i've warned you enough. if you think my problem is big, it's thrice smaller in reality. i'm always exaggerating here. you should get yourself used to it.

i've been wailing tearlessly ever since i knew about it! and now people think like i have a problem with my boyfriend (my non-existent one). the truth is, if it looks like i have a problem with my boyfriend, in reality the problem is about my crush. if it looks like i'm getting my husband annulled, in reality i may be breaking up with my boyfriend. there's a pattern. thrice smaller than it seems. be aware. hehe 

WALA AKONG MAKWENTOHAN. pero ayoko naman magkwento kahit kanino lang! nakakinis kasi pag feeling nila, ang liit liit lang ng problema mo. >:( yoko na. masyado kong iniisip yung iniisip nya saken nung nalaman nya. rarrr

WAAAAAHHH!!!!!! @_@ i'm getting stressed over design jobs. i suck so much at photoshop >_< currently toiling over editing my proposed play poster design, because it looked like a horror movie poster. @_@


when it's actually comedy. 

grabe talaga, every time i think about it, napapa WAAAAAAHHH ako literaaaallll!!!! parang whaaaat, everything from the start isn't true? you befriended me because you knew?! gaaaawd, i seriously don't think you're that kind of person. and i have no grounds to say everything was like, untrue or something. can you even fake it in the first place?! I AM SO DOOMED AND DESPERATE FOR SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS. i can die of shame now. seryoso. 

BUT WHERE ARE YOU. 
it's kinda random right under the cut. you can opt not to read of course.
and i thought i was being valued for what i can offer, but it turns out i MAY be not, after all. MAY -- because i'm not sure. i wanna think i'm talented enough and i wanna get it from people who looks at me objectively. sadly, there're none.

i thought i was being responsible doing my job, then i think about what i discovered this day and mentally kick myself for ever making assumptions that i was good enough, that i was being called because of my skills or whatever.

my gaaaaawd i hate this day. i hate it to the core of this stupidly mantled planet!!!!! and when i thought of the person who made me feel like this, i wanted to rant! unfortunately, the first person i thought of whom i could rave about this, DID THE SAME BEFORE, so i seconded the thought. but i ended up spilling it to him anyway. but not everything.

i don't trust anyone anymore. even my closest friends.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF FRIENDS WHO ENJOY WATCHING ME MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF.
is it so funny that i'm such a kid when it comes to this? i haven't been where you guys have been, because i'm too cautious. i hate you for playing with my feelings.

i fucking cried over this! over the fact that i'm making such a fool of myself AGAIN. AGAAAAAAIIIN. and it's about the same fucking person.

to the same fucking person though, i'm not mad at you. i'm actually grateful that despite everything, you're still cool and you still treat me civilly and gentlemanly. though i admit, after this, it'll be a struggle to be the same with you again. >:(

i would understand if the floor i'm on right now would soften and turn into a quicksand and swallow me whole. it's too shameful, i can't take it.

and he's too kind. fuuuuck.
i'm not sleeping anytime soon.

to do:

1. java project
2. poster design - which i presume is going to be extremely crappy and disappointing since i didn't start it earlier. what's new? errrr.

FACT: August 2010 will have 5 Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays. It only happens once every 823 years!
to whoever said this fact and to those who thought this was interesting, speeeecial, and worth its own twitter account and facebook fanpage, check your fucking calendars.

first of all, after 823 years (that's year 2833), august will not have 5 sundays, mondays and tuesdays. instead it will have 5 mondays, tuesdays and wednesdays. that claim is only true 823 years back (check august 1187) . damn.

and about the 5 repeating weekdays in a month? again! CHECK YOUR CALENDARS, it happens quite a lot. i mean, october 2010 will have 5 fridays, saturdays and sundays. december will have 5 wednesdays, thursdays and fridays. and may 2011 will be the same as august this year.

maybe what struck you people is the 5 repeating weekdays, since we know we only have 4 weeks in a month. i understand, i fell for that at first, until i saw september, october, november.... and sank in dismay.

so, dude. do your research. i can't believe i've wasted valuable time refuting your claim.

i'm not sleepy, thank God. >:)
i don't know why i'm letting my health perish in this room. @_@; currently at blenz megamall, for the wifi, for the coffee... errr and for the second hand smoke because there are no available seats at the other side of the shop. sucks. i hope it doesn't rain cos i forgot to bring an umbrella. =___=;;

i need to research. i came all the way here to research for designs and source codes and other things that's fucking up my sleep patterns right now. why, the connection here is the best, and if i don't work out on getting a decent connection at home, i'd be wasting my entire lifetime here. -___-;

i'm looking for ways to not regret buying the LG KP500. my only complain is that, my inbox and sent folders load slow. i've only got 57 messages and i have to wait for 1-2 seconds for a single message to open. that's really slow. if my phone does not respond for 2 seconds, i call it slow. i know most of you would too. rrrrr

kkkkkkkk, nothing productive yet and it's 430. damn. ;___;