i think i understand why i'm always looking for a lighter, less stressful job. it's because i'm always looking forward to the things i do outside of work that i didn't want to go home all spent from a crazy 8-5. i seriously need some guidance right now. 

remember when i was so worried about not hearing God every time i pray? that frustrated feeling that maybe i'm not being Christian enough, that i was trying so hard to be good but i always end up unrighteous by the end of the day, succumbing to sinful thoughts and being quick to anger all of the time? that i wasn't one of those to whom God reaches out with a deep manly powerful voice? i was on a spiritual low that time. i was so scared that maybe God stopped talking to me. scrazy shiz.

but now i'm enlightened. i sure recalled that God speaks to us in different ways and circumstances. that he is never tired of reaching out to us, calling us to act on our real mission. the problem is, during the time i thought he was not speaking to me, i was in fact not listening.

listening to him, perhaps in the easiest sense, means reading his word, the Bible. and that's the most probable cause of this increasing spiritual gap between me and God. and sin, of course, there's doubt and unfaithfulness too. hay. 

so from now i'm going to try to build a habit of reading the Bible in order to listen to what God says, instead of reading it to expand my historical references. i used to read it before but i realized i was doing it the wrong way, taking notes objectively, reading it like a novel, using my mind to process every situation. eventually it bored me, as i was constantly looking for stories and wasn't focusing on what God is trying to say on every page. i'm going to change that. and it freaking excites meeee!!! yeheyyy!

this isn't going to happen if my boyfriend didn't coach me out of this spiritual rut. i thank God for blessing me with one of his men. >:') i know, i know that i'm going to hear the Lord this time. >XD

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