nyay akala ko wala na >XD

-- i have never felt this special, as a friend. after an hour on the phone she said it's okay if she loses all her friends, as long as she has me. awww nakakatouch. i couldn't possibly say the same cos i never looked into the possibility of losing all my friends (and i never would), but she's someone i treasure so much. this sounds awfully lesbo but i'm cheesy like that. lol

-- HAHAHA. my friend kinda almost spilled something about JM. something that got me eternally twitterpated that night. the two of them exchanging gestures sometimes, i usually ignore them, but now that i knew it has something to do with me... what am i supposed to think? what could they possibly secretly talk about that involves me? fishy ito mga bro. and i have a drumming sense that i'm not gonna like it. now she's begging me to stop asking about it cos she might not be able to hold their freaking secret intact. she has to confirm it pa daw. confirm what? ok. i'll stop asking, fine. but i'm dead curious. eh si JM yun eh. ok. i'm curious. but no other feelings involved. is curiosity a feeling? hindi ko na sya crush. 

--nakakapressure minsan. there are expectations i need to meet, deadlines i have to avoid screwing with, and standards i must surpass. all the in the intent of keeping my 'smart' image intact. i myself have put my brain to the test. i can't keep committing mistakes, even small ones. i can't have low quizzes. i can't have a midterm standing below 3.0 but CALCULUS IS SUCH A BITCH, and P.E. IS A FUCKER. i have to keep learning, keep studying and KEEP READING. i can't fail these people but the problem is, they expect too much. huhuhu nakakahiya magkamali. 

-- the tables have turned entirely diba? i wasn't like this before. sure i felt bad for having a passing average of 1 out of 10 exams right when i studied so hard for them. but eventually i got used it it. and the people around me made me feel it's normal HAHA so carry lang. yun nga lang, hindi na nadala! but right now it's different. AYOKO NA BUMAGSAK. i know it's okay to fail, but i've had so much of that. i deserve this break. nobody believed i was smart until i entered this university. 

babbling out

wow. here's goes fucking insecurity. i'll try to be nice. but damn. the problem is, i'm always nice. you'll hardly notice if i actually hate you. i hardly hate people anyway. i just get paranoid a lot... threatened is the right term actually, and insecure. HAHA what. what do i need to change? i miss my old hair. and my old size.

i need to be consistent. maintenance is key.

what to do:
- study java
- edit script
- read essays
- exercise. HAHA

but for now, i want to sleep. >:)

ohnoes

-- why do i feel like something fishy is brewing? don't leave me out! i'm so fucking curious. you dropped the hint mehn, you dropped it and the suspense is killing me. what is it that you need to confirm? may something ba? slow ako e. anyway, that's all under the working assumption that nothing's going on and that it's all going to waste. tamang hypothesis lang. e bakit ba. nagtatrabaho ako ng maayos a. 

-- BWISET. my future with calculus (along with my being a scholar next term) is becoming a big blur. i passed the 2nd quiz but it's too fucking LOW. pota PASANG AWA. ampota talaga. and because it was such a hard thing to accept, plus my abdomen is killing me, i had to take a tranquilizer in the form of ICE BREAKER. haay

-- i just loaded 500 worth of immortal text and my free call minutes have already been consumed! huwew. buti na lang pala nagload ako!!! 

-- issues. i never liked taking sides, i always avoid arguments. I'M SO TORN. i can imagine myself in that position and not worry about it, because it's me. i know i can handle it, at alam kong walang aangal. pero pano sila? what can i say to assure them that it's going to be okay eventually? that duty and friendship are two things that cannot be compromised? teka wait. actually magulo ngayon. nakakalungkot. hmm... let me think. 

-- you can't say being plastic is being untrue to yourself. what if it's your natural tendency when faced with unlikeable people? saves you from the unnecessary arguments right? being one doesn't make you entirely bad, in fact, by being such you are giving the person the chance to change your badly clouded opinion of him/her in the long run. 

-- hindi ko talaga alam. ano bang nakikita nyo na hindi ko nakikita? bulag ba ako, o judgmental lang kayo? wala eh. wala talaga akong nakikitang masama. kaya ayoko magsalita. kasi kaibigan ko kayong lahat. haynako Lord, i remember praying for this before. and you answered it na thank you so much! pero may kulang parin pala HAHA 

-- terai poured out to me yesterday. so isa nanaman akong ultramega shock absorber kagabi! i was such a chore trying to calm her nerves down. fuck we're at mcdo dahlia, i should've brought her somewhere noisy to drown her inexorably scandalous tendencies! nakakahiya kaya. i was planning on sleeping early pa naman. paguwi ko parang ambigat. parang nadala ko lahat ng sumpa at hinanakit nya. parang sinumpa nya ko. ang sarap nya talagang batukan. grabe terai, SAME MISTAKES. tanga ka ba. then my bestfriend called, gumaan in fairness koya! andami kong tawa eh. salamat, it really helped. timing e. 

-- eto talaga promise. NO ICE BREAKER indefinitely. bwiset.

anti-love song

I’m not in love, so don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made
I’m not in love, no-no

I like to see you, but then again
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you, don’t make a fuss
Don’t tell your friends about the two of us
I’m not in love, no-no

I keep your picture upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that’s lyin’ there
So don’t you ask me to give it back
I know you know it doesn’t mean that much to me
I’m not in love, no-no

Ooh, you’ll wait a long time for me
Ooh, you’ll wait a long time
I’m not in love, so don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made, ooh
I’m not in love, I’m not in love…

----------------------------
what the hell is this song? it's so fucking in denial. hahaha

ows

what i need? part-time lover, full-time friend. i guess that would suit me right now.

i think i've found a major crush! kindof. pero parang hindi pa ganon ka intense LOL. bakit o why? wala akong crush!!! ang boring neto meeeehhhhnnnnn. every tri ako may majorcrush dapat eh! why ganto? grrr

jfsdadaeqa

i woke up in a foul mood I DON'T KNOW WHY, but eventually i realized i have no reason to feel glum cos i just woke up from my most coveted siesta (teacher was absent. went home early). i dreamt of checking in at a cheap hotel, and the one who attended me was a janitress at school. e naman eh. haha excited much for july 1? >BD haha

will i regret this later? i accepted the job. i am now the script-editor of LMA, only for this particular production though. i refuse to be given the title scriptwriter, it entails too much responsibility and mastery of the craft. anyway, he's still convincing me to be scriptwriter but quite honestly, the reason why i don't wanna get involved in it is that i'm so not confident with my writing skills. what has blogging got to do with scriptwriting anyway? i don't even do dialogs. O_O; maybe i can be assistant scriptwriter instead.

now you know my problem, i can't lead.

this was a funny pic:

pero hindi rin! maraming ngang bf/gf material dyan, pero hanggang dun lang! HINDI FOR KEEPS. whew

champions run toward their fears

i want to be a champion too but i'm too afraid of taking charge, of taking responsibility and of taking the opportunities that boldly present themselves to me. i believe that, if you think you can do a better job, then do it instead. keyword: THINK. the problem goes with deciding to actually DO IT. too much demands, too much hassle, too much trouble and NO TIME. then i go about thinking, i know i can do it, BUT I'M TOO LAZY TO. i see it as potential energy at its worst.

the head of the student board something something asked me if i can still host this school year's Ambassador of Goodwill (AoG) pageant. apparently, adrian and i were our english teacher's top choice last trimester. we emceed it last year and it was stressful. ok, fine, it's scripted. all i did was recite the words written in the spiel in my best radio quality english speaking voice. they liked it! BUT DID I? i didn't like the part where i was fumbling on what to do to keep the stage alive when the contestants are still dressing up for the next portion and we've ran out of intermission numbers. it was truamatizing. i can't adlib. i'll go nuts, i'll shower the audience with a bastarded version of the english language. i'll just humiliate myself and bring shame to my entire existence. anyway, i didn't. hehe

a shirt design? i would love to, but it's extreme labor for me to turn from space-hating-maximalist to minimalist. but that's where my brewing passion lies. traditional visual arts. with that, i decided to still become part of the school newsletter organization as cartoonist/illustrator. i'll probably do a better job there. but i'm not sure. i'm, err, to unconfident. hay

scriptwriting for gawdsake is something i've never done before. and from a dormant fiction story writer, they want me to transform into a freaking playwright (sort of)! the job is simple, the script is ready and they just need me to shorten/lengthen it to fit 30 minutes, and SCALE DOWN some vulgar items. ANG HIRAP KAYA SHEEET.  i like vulgarity in plays that display a common social setting. and for freak's sake, i'm an "exaggeralist". JM kasi eh grrr

i'll be reading the scriptSSSS tonight to see what i can do.
i just feel like they've got no one else to pass the awful job to. but that's freakin not my problem anymore. >:)
oh really, the thing is... I'M JUST TOO AFRAID TO SCREW UP.