what the heck.

among the 500 more or less entries i've made between appril 07 to 08, selecting my 5 best entries to represent this blog at the PBA 2008 WAS TOUGH.

for various reasons:

a) i didn't think i could possibly rank my entries. well, i could... they go through this scale of boring, more boring and most boring + annoying.
b) almost all of them, including this, are full of grammatical errors... which i know would give me lots of demerits from the panel. conscious, aye? i should be. people are reading and i haven't fixed my demented grammar.
c) honestly, i didn't know what to pick. it was hard, though i only did the selecting in less than 30 minutes because i have things to do and today is already the deadline and i didn't want to lose the nomination even though i'm the one who nominated myself. oops. hehehe

well, those could barely be called reasons but, hey, what the heeeeeckkk!


i'm seeing him more often now. though when i saw him awhile ago and saw that he looked like crap, i wanted to ask him what happened (well, i'm kind of a stalker, i already knew. but just for formality... hehe i'd go ask) and just say go get a rest or something but i didn't...we just passed each other by anyway.

but after that i contemplated on the feeling (of crush and bit more) and asked myself if i still like him even in his crappiest form. this is what everybody is asking from their potential-slash-delusional-future-partners in life, ACCEPTANCE.

to love is not just to love someone in his best form. i've always known that.
how come i'm being judgmental?

and so what have i to say with that? is this feeling only temporary and conditional?
i'm afraid not. because, damn, i accept him in whatever form he takes. thing is, acceptance doesn't always equate to love. so i'm not sure. i don't even want to mention it because i hate sounding cheesy and so teenbopper theymakemewannapuke.

wooot. artwork due tomorrow. i have to work on it now.
hehe bye. :)

yet again

oha. my tears worked, hehe my parents promised me my own laptop on my 18th birthday. we had a little argument last last night but it was cool because we're all okay afterwards. i mean, me and my sister finally made-up. i kind of quit hating her then she kind of quit hating me as well. haha, i even sabotaged the internet connection before that so she would kill me for it but whatever. she's learning! she fixed it alone! haha, next time i should remind myself to put more internet hassles for her when she's up for a research. yeah, btch. >___>;

 

anyway. it's really cool, one of the rare times i cried really bad because of guilt. hahaha, you know, i hate myself sometimes for not acting mature enough to cover up for my supposed-to-be more mature older sister. that's what mom's been yelling me at, i should always be of cover to her shortcomings. okok, reliving things like this is not a good idea. i know. haha

 

but you know, i never said sorry to anyone. i just let my tears work. it was hardest to apologize to my dad because he was all pumped up during the argument that he lost control. really, it was bad. but what's cool is that i knew he'd forgive me no matter what. it was damn hard for me to follow him in the other room to apologize, but i did. only i didn't say sorry, instead i walked in the room, jumped him on the bed and just wailed, crying on his back. must've looked silly but i'd do anything to save my pride. that's just how bad i am about 'sorry' issues. doesn't mean i didn't apologize either, did i?

 

but you see. we're all cool now.

 

in fact i believe i should still be sleeping right now.

 

turn-off points update:

 

i think i'm doing good with harboring enough turn-off points to push him away. and i got a sort of signal that my assumptions were all wrong so i'm happy. :)

 

bottoms-up!

white and nerdy

i badly want my OWN laptop. my one heck of a sister won't let my hands on OUR (supposedly) laptop. which brought me to decide that she can fuck with it all she wants, i won't be borrowing it from her anymore (she'll reject me anyway)... i'll be saving for my OWN laptop. i've already calculated the amount of time it'll take me to raise around 30,000. 8 months, taking into consideration everything that will mean no allowance for me like the sembreak, christmas break, holy week and other uncontrolled factors. yeah. and you know, it sucks because i've been meaning to save for a digicam and a travel gear and some decent rubbershoes... but the need for a laptop is becoming unbearable and also irrational, if you come to think of it. but i am one of the most materialistic people in the world. i shouldn't care, per ce.

it's hard to save for your pleasures and your future at the same time without living the present in poverty. haaaay.

and my mom is mad at me for being so distant with my sister.
honestly, I DON'T CARE.

in this one week that i haven't spoken anything sisterly to her... i realize it doesn't bear much difference having her close by. i could happily take ourselves as two mutually exclusive universes, regardless of our only intersection ---- blood.

and it doesn't pain me at all, not to have her around. not that i wish she were dead but what i mean is that, i don't get that much from her anyway so i think... i could live without her.

the drama:
she was never like an older sister to me. and i hate it because i want to have someone to take care of me, for once. oh right! i'm supposed to understand that she's undergoing hell through her thesis. yes, yes, right... and she can trade everything for that fucking peice of research.

and because it's finally taking its toll on me, i want nothing to do with it anymore. i'll continue shutting myself off to her. well, except that i'll still be texting her some totally uncool and sarcastic updates... but nothing sweeter of the sort. just some words like 'bye', when i'm finally going home. just to let her know. because that's what mom's been nagging about since i came home.

and another thing.
our apartment seems more homey than this house.

and i'm scared because that's not how it should be. :(

normally, i should be excited to go home every week but happens now is that it has become a tedious chore for me to go home during fridays (or saturdays).

oh right, i hate my sister. :)

cool lang daw

oo nga dapat cool lang daw.
grabe, ang cool cool ko nga eh.

di pa ko nag-aaral.
mamayang 7 na ang exam.
time check: 1:20pm

COOOOOL!
kaya pa?

oo naman!

aabsent lang naman ako sa physics, bahala na si july quiz ko. pare, salamat! i owe you a lot... kaw lang nahihingian ko ng mga ganitong pabor. haha :)

nakuuuuu... kailangan ko magsaya ngayong gabi! :D

anything to help me sober up

i think i drank too much last night. :) i apologize for being such a pain in the ass to my roomates who carefully escorted me from the square to my room. see, i still remember! the thing is, i'm not sure if i WAS really drunk. i mean, doesn't the fact that i remember things makes being drunk null and void? or is it something along the lines of aware-but-not-in-control thing? oh, i'll take the latter.


i know, i know. i was tipsy. i felt that. i felt my head go super light, my perspective moving round and round and damn was it nice.

to tell you honestly, it was my first time to feel that way... to feel almost drunk and in denial. and again, it was nice.

it's exactly the kind of feeling problematic people seek. and it's just about the best thing i felt in this whole week. i laughed a lot. and i realized that even though you can get a few good laughs for free, the best laughs always comes with a drink or two.

i don't want to sound like i'm morphing into an alcoholic but man, i appreciate alcohol now... more than ever.

and you know what?
i threw up a couple of times at home and i couldn't sleep and it sucks (in a good way) because i am aware of what's happening, of what i'm doing, yet i seem out of control.

but you see, me being out of control isn't really the 'out-of-control' thing you'd expect from other people, i'm not violent, i guess i'm talkative but my being out-of-control was tolerable. at least during that time i think i am kind of tolerable. i'm not a hardcore drinker after all, and you cannot subject me into haing wild tendencies. ;)

and i have a fckdmt math midterms the day after and i have another freakin exam the day after that.

i can't explain how i felt last night anymore, but i don't regret what happened. :)

and noooow?
i just came back from our midterms, it was so-so... i am expecting a passing grade. well, i know i will pass. hopefuly, i mean... i wasn't able to get more than 2 hours of review! wtf! :|

and tomorrow will probably be the crappiest day of my life.
you got my next exam to blame for that.

secondhand serenade

lol. emo!
i hate the word. it sounds cheap. i'm gravely sorry but the word emo, doesn't appeal to me that much. it seems overrated, overused, abused... yeah, mainstream, for a lack of a gentler term. -___-;

i just got back from lb square with itchel, i had to convince her to go with me because she didn't want to eat dinner, and i wanted to drink but what the hell is one company? and someone who doesn't drink, on top of that? but good grace, i enjoyed this night. :) after our blasted laboratory exam, i already planned that tonight i'll be having a glass of beer to quench my crave.

and it did yeah, though i kind of have to budget even this stupid drinking allowance because i'm living in poverty for the whole semester. i couldn't even lay my good ol hands on a redhorse, or something harsher, something...

well, i need something that kicks hard, aside from failing grades and the stupid reality in general.

i'm not drunk. well, i was never.

ok for the most part, i liked this day because i got to laugh a lot... during lab and after the exam. it waaaas nice. :)

haha, oh... here is my only major grievance about the org. i don't seem to find enough people whom i can just party and drink with... WITHOUT all the bullshit acads. oh come on, i'm not up for a study group. but give me a break, i need REAAAAL friends. who party.

another org perhaps?
gosh, that's like trailing off of my league because i'm reserving varsity for next sem and i can't probably divide myself into fractions with all the load. :)
but for once, i want to do something i'm inclined to! swimming! drawing! menial sidelines that mean a lot... oh damn it. i don't belong here in the first place.

back to the title: i got a few songs from SHS and they were nice... they're very emotional... emoooo. hehe

btw, it's the second time this sem that i encountered something i could trade a passing grade with RIGHT before the exam. on a note, that's quite phenomenal, to actually be THAT shallow to trade a passing grade with something that doesn't amount to any ordinal value... but you see, i was too happy while taking the exam awhile ago that i didn't care of the right answers.

last time it happened (rather, the first), i DID fail that exam. but because i was toooo happy to care, i let it pass. now it's up for the second time.

strike two.

let's evaluate:
i contradict mysef by dicussing too much acad stuff in this blog (and i did say i'm not a very acad-conscious person nor someone who dwells on her scholastic performance too much). i am, afterall, trying to build a better study habit... without sounding too nerdy and grade-conscious and all those stupid crappy things i see with my batchmates.

hehe.

following the standards of today's harsh 'norms'; no one should be able to get this entry. at least not up to this statement.

i feel awful

i feel bad
i feel ugly
i feel dark
i feel unworthy
i feel like crap

i actually hate that i'm starting to turn emo with this stupid entry but i want to let it out.

not that it's of any help but at least, IT'S OUT. though i'm not someone who would let bad things out COMPLETELY in the public. at least i'll leave you with a vague gist.

it's depressing.
i want to be admired too.
but with these people around me, i'll only end up looking like trash.

i want to hide.

hahahaha

and no, you can't help me with this.

gusto ko uminom kasama ang isang panget.