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here we go again. and again.

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everyday is just so freaking frustrating. it feels like UPLB is happening all over again. the whole 'i don't belong here' crap is taking its toll on me. well at least i can explain why LB didn't work out, i wasn't meant for it in the first place. i just squeezed myself into it, in the process losing myself and my supposed purpose for entering the university. it was my efforts and pathetic-ness that brought me in, not really my UPG and my imaginary iska aura. haha but Smart? i don't even want to think it's THAT big, but in my sense it's almost UP-big. you know, the regard i have with UP, i feel with Smart. and now it's eating me whole. JUST LIKE 6 YEARS AGO. and if history really does repeat itself, them i'm gonna be out in 3 years and BE HAPPIER WITH MY NEXT CHOICE. 

is that how it must really work out? for one, i didn't beg my way into Smart. i got in by their usual regular process. no re-considerations, just in. isn't that something to be proud of? i think so, but NO. it's still a mystery how i passed their technical test. it's not that i'm being pa-humble or maybe underestimating myself, but who in their right minds would let my exam slip by? if you only knew. i'm not trying to question their application process but i really really feel like i never really passed the test. unless they have a 90-10 grading criteria for interview and exam respectively then maybe uhm. crap. haha. haha.

this is downright annoying right? me complaining about a job that i probably really deserved but thinks otherwise? 

i feel misplaced, AGAIN. 
there are times when i'm searching google for java tutorials and end up searching for cheap MMA schools instead. oyeah.