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reality bites

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we all thought that after bootcamp is over, we'd be safe from 'elimination'. apparently not so, as one of our batchmates has just been pulled out, or uhm, relieved of his position, he's now fixing his clearance. argh.

grabe! here's how i feel

1) of course i feel about bad for my friend

i'm probably not in the right position to say if he was judged unfairly. i also don't think we have any right to know why the higher-ups did what they did, i guess i have to put my faith in them too, that they did what they thought was best not just for the company but also for the person. though it doesn't help relieve the sadness, i'm sure it'll get better in time. ows.

i don't know. as a batch i would say we've come so far. we've been together for six months, six freaking months. and to withdraw someone after we've kindof fortified our friendship, that's like puncturing a dam wall (pun intended). there's gonna be a spillage. of tears. chos. such drama.

2) i fear and feel i'm next

and for some reason, i'm looking forward to it. really? yes. and this is not some sort of pa-humble crap. i'm thinking maybe the real reason why i always get stressed with my work is that, i'm not doing the thing God shaped me for.

you know how i've always been at the bottom part of the safety line ever since bootcamp, and even now that we're already deployed to our respective teams where we're expected to show off our strengths, nothing has changed. i still feel the same incompetent and insecure girl. henako. as usual nanaman ang lola nyo.

which makes me think...

what if i intentionally screw my job, like not deliver my task due today? would they fire me? either way i don't see myself finishing it today. so what's there to lose. -___-;

what if i get fired this week? grabe. i actually thought of this last week and my mind is in all sorts of hype! here's the plan, my mom just made me realize that i have already saved some 100k in investments like whooaaa. so when  i was thinking of this possibility, i instantly fled to the option of withdrawing part of my savings to pay for my tuition in an art school. ART SCHOOL! OH MYYYYY! i felt the unsteady urge to call (again) CIIT and request for a multimedia specialist quote. grabe lang my excitement.

and then, while studying art part-time. i could freelance the way i want it! i could take design commissions, get serious with optimizing this blog, ghost write if there's an opportunity, resell Healthy Monsters (lol) or ShyShop. basta ang daming kong naiisip na gawin. hahaha

when did getting fired suddenly become something to look forward to? haha

but then..

what if i get regularlized? what if they don't fire me? weeeeell, that's still something to be thankful for. it only goes to show that i have some worth in the team, or maybe they just couldn't afford to chop manpower right now when the project is at a critical stage. i have a problem. i really don't see myself excelling, right where there's always (indirect) competition, and comparisons going on. sadly, i'm not the grace-under-pressure type of person. i'm, uhh, the burst-under-pressure type... which in reality and in physics, is the more probable consequence naman talaga.

hm. if i get regularized. i'm tied here for 2.5 years more. and seeing that i don't see myself as a competent contributor, i'll just cry my insecurities in the corner. lol. or face it, like what every guru would say.

hay life.