the petty things that make my heart lurch

// there's a big big sale at sm megamall this weekend. >:)

it was a blessing that we haven't received our salaries yet, or else i'll be going home with a new bag. >:) actually i did, but it's not for me. i bought it for terai who looked like she needed it more. yey, i was being generous. after all, what do i need a new bag for? but you know what, the feeling of rummaging the jiovanni section for cool colors was ecstatic!! i felt (yet again) like rebecca bloomwood fighting off her shopaholic urges. i didn't have enough cash with me but i have my debit card *wink*. then i saw this big blue envelope shoulder/body bag and thought that it's the perfect contrast for my plain white shirt and sequined jeans. i'm hardly a fashionable person. i'm not even a clothes person, i like bags, wallets and jackets more hehehehe

i was feeling the bag for like 15 minutes (that's long you know), thinking that if i buy this, i have to loan 700 from my savings. and 700 for me is big. then the saleslady went to me to check the tag, apparently SOMEONE ELSE WAS EYEING MY BAG. i panicked, oh nooo. if i put this down even for a second, the fat mom beside me will surely snatch it and take it straight to the counter. if i buy it now i'm gonna be happy and victorious over a bunch of envy shoppers. then again, i kept on asking myself if i really need this, NOW. the obvious answer is no but i found myself repeating the question a hundred times.

after 15 minutes of trying out the bag, i surrendered the thing. i've finally acknowledged the fact that i don't need it so i put it back. in 3 days it'll back to 1400 and i wouldn't have the slightest inkling of purchasing it. i felt sad. you know the feeling of not getting what you want when it's only there for a limited amount of time? it's God's way of saying NO. but you see, i saw my sister trying out this purple bag and thought that, if it's too bad that i'm buying something for myself, then i'd buy for my sister instead. and so i did. maaaan was it fulfilling. i insisted on buying it for her, even though she too has been repeating the mantra "do i need this?" over and over in her head and is close to enlightenment (which is no). i told her it's a gift! >:) i was being strangely generous, i couldn't explain why. maybe because i channeled my frustration of buying the blue bag into a charitable medium. either way, i was happy i bought it. and more so, that's it's 50% off. >:)

the real reason why i came to ortigas is to buy a dvd of Sungkyunkwan Scandal at st. francis, unfortunately, no one has it yet because it's a relatively new series. the dvds are probably still in the burning process. God speed to these burners, i need a copy asap. and may the optical media board overlook their warehouse on one of their raids. Lord, please let it be available next week. please. or just give me at least 1mbps so i could watch it online. >:(

// this morning, i ate breakfast with brian at mcdonald's. i sorely miss hanging out with my bestfriend. >:( the pancakes were good, specially the hot choco, but nothing beats the company of one of the people i missed so much. >:(

// btw, jm and i scored and unexpected 99% at lovecalculator.com

// thank you Lord for keeping my scores at school pretty good. >:)

with this, i shall sleep. it just rained so the broadband signal is probably fucked up from all the atmospheric charges the sky gave off earlier. i couldn't stream k-dramas with this speed.

for now, fuck you Globe.

lethal habits

a list of habits that, i know, will eventually lead to my natural death. unless of course i die of an accident, or murder, or something cooler and nobler (for me)... like alien abduction, time travel, or a laboratory mishap.


1. night/midnight showers --- spare me the research, i've never heard anything good about this. and why do i do this? so i don't have to take a full bath in the morning. it takes a lot of time drying up my hair, and if i do this at school, it's gonna dry up bad, like tikwas tikwas all over. i want it dry in the morning so i could iron it straight. hehehe once i get my long hair back, i'll quit this fucking habit.

2. dairy queen (or sweets, in general) --- i never get satisfied walking out of a mall without having DQ (if there's one). most of the time i get sick because of this but i never learn. my dad is diabetic, and so are most of my relatives on his side, which means there's more than 50% chance i'll get it too. >:( it's so hard to give up on this one.

3. street food --- i eat too much of these whenever i get the chance. personal favorites, isaw and chicken balls. but it really depends on the sauce. chances are, i'll get hepa because of this. ayaw. @_@

4. cold drinks --- is generally bad for the health because it hardly aids in digestion. which is why my mom banned the pitcher from the ref. the only source of cold water here is the dispenser, BUT my mom also forbid us to turn it on, unless there are guests. my mom is the law. but it's cool cos i drink more water when it's not cold.

5. lack of water --- for the record, i only drink an average of 1 plastic gatorade bottle of water. i try to drink more but a glass full in one shot makes me wanna throw up. i do need all the hydration i could get to avoid looking a generation older but the problem is, as much as i want to drink water, i only trust the water at home.  ;_; i wish i could bring a jug but that's too highschool. conformity sucks.

6. nailbiting --- ah yes.

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school: fine. :)

work? fine, but i still feel uneasy about the lightness of my job description. and i'm too shy to approach my boss and ask if she has anything she wants me to do. >:( haaaaaaaayyyy. where's my initiative? huhu

i am so majorcrushless, but i have crushes of course. i figured that, one of the factors why my crushing intensifies is the presence of people who know about it. and because right now, no one knows about my current crush, i guess the feeling will remain low. hahahahahahahahahaha clue, accounting >:)

i take back everything i said about wanting to have just 2 friends. I NEED A LOT PALA.

>:)

this was supposed to be my entry last night had i not overused my bandwidth (if that's how you call it) and got disconnected by Globe.
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for almost two hours now i'm getting a consistently incredulous downspeed of 1mbps from globe tattoo broadband. as far as broadband is concerned, this is the longest time it stuck to such a reading. and so, i decided to stream like a madman, i tried rewatching gravitation (anime) but got bored on the first episode. and this was my favorite yaoi anime for what, 5 years? not to mention the last time i watched it was also 5 years ago, which meant that i'm somewhere between 14 and 15, and has the most superficial concept of romance. i get ridiculously twitterpatted just seeing two characters kiss! and now, uhm, i was surprised i found the first episode quite awkward.

this is pretty much a sign of ageing. LOL my standards probably grew, hmm, 5 years older. which isn't to say that my preference is in tune with my age right now. hohoho

which is why, i just looked for something korean to watch, they may be shallow but the hilarity of the production makes up a lot for the evident lack in, well, plot. oh sorry, i was generalizing. romance comedies need to be, first hand, romantic and at the same time, funny. HAHA i'm so making sense here. great.

wow. i had lunch with JM. no, i called him over cos he was eating alone. we were 4 in the table. HAHA

i can't believe claire and i share the exact same taste in men. we were like spotting while i'm on duty, pointing random guys we have a crush on. we vibe so much. we have 4 common crushes. aaaah, ok, it's too early to say we have the same tastes, after all, i can find 10 women who have crushes on these men as well. HAHA

wait. i subscribed for 5 days unlimited internet and just now globe cut it off because my account has used 1GIG already, that's what the Globe Fair Use Policy says. WOW. who are they to say i'm being unfair with the way i consume my internet? what do you expect me to do with 1 mbps? browse facebook? Globe has been consistently giving me 0.00 kbps the past few days and i didn't sue them, and now that they gave me 1mbps, it only seemed appropriate that i take advantage of this speed. BUT they're cutting me off from streaming too much. they say my connection will be back tomorrow, i hope that meant 12mn.

i need a postpaid plan, using a private line.
let's try sun broadband. >:|

fuck.
Globe, you fail so much.
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and now, my connection is back and it's pretty much picking up speed again. haaay, i thought i could just stream forever but looks like i still need a TV. and lots of DVDs

neurocize!

i thought it was some kind of a joke, that the pages of the book i was reading suddenly went off series. it was 124, then 117, 126, 127, 121, 124, 141, 134, 135, 144. it went on for the next 20 pages, with me finding 3 leaves missing. i did my best to look for them but they're nonexistent. beats me why the title of the book is Tw7sted (by Jessica Zafra), and the subject where the pages started going berserk has something to do with exercising your brain. she was discussing ways on how to sharpen your mind and make a buff out of your neurons. for sure, it's the universe. the thing hates me still. it sort of became a bad omen too, i was fumbling through the pages wednesday morning at the hospital; afternoon came and i was the most distressed person in the world. uhm, connection? i dunnno, i'm making things up. 

the karma cycle. you're up then you're down. you don't know where it starts, you don't know where it ends. all you know is that it's how the universe balances things, like it can't get any heavier. it's probably a cosine graph, good at the origin. it shows an eternal wave of constant amplitude, reminding us that there is always a limit to everything. when you've reached your peak, you slide down, when you're at the pit, you start trekking up. 

i'm not sure if i'm at the pit but i know i'm somewhere down. and if this is not the bottom of the slide yet, God knows how much i'm going to loathe my life (even with the conspiratorial universe who promises to carry me up soon). WHAT IF, this is the best that can happen? after all, a cosine graph can exist below the x axis and still have highs and lows. FML. anyway. i'm just saying.

Lord. i'm waiting for something good to happen. enough on the food, i've wasted so much trying to calm my nerves with ice cream, but end up feeling otherwise because it's coffee flavored. not only have i triggered the bedlam in my nervous system, but i've also managed to assure myself of not less than 30% weight gain in the coming weeks. it's just good on the tongue. nowhere else. >:(

Dear Lord, i asked for him. where is he? what, am i blind or is he still lost? i'd rather take it he's lost. amen.

weakling

life's been pissing on me, real hard.

the operator says my call and text card number is invalid. i tried reloading n times and it says, the card has already been used. i tried reloading n^x times and it says, i've reached the maximum number of reload attempts and should try again in 4 hours, blah minutes. yes, i get it, the universe is not on my side. pun intended, the globe is not on my side. for now.

which led me to assume that i bought a counterfeit prepaid card, in which case i just lost three hundred fucking bucks. how do i complain this one? fine, i'm such a complainer. fuuuuuck. 4 hours and blah minutes left. i can't wait to read manga, and stream the remaining episodes of chuck season 2, plus bleach.

by the way, things are probably getting better but i still feel the same. hahaha. too much stresssss. and i'm not getting thinner, in fact, i just bought a half gallon of ice cream a few hours back. coffee crumble again! it's my 3rd this week. so help me God. >:(



i wonder why he's too concerned about me these days. maybe he wants to make it up to the amount of effort (and cash) i put on his play last term. maybe he needs me again for their upcoming project. maybe he's genuinely concerned. maybe he's just a generally nice person. OR MOST PROBABLY, out of all who feel the same for me, HIS concern is what matters most. e crush eh! sorry! sya talaga mapapansin ko. but seriously, he's always there. whenever we meet he asks me what's up, and because i know he knows what i'm going through, i always end up spilling. he was the first person who talked to me after i walked out of the lib last wednesday, one word and i'll burst into tears (that's how bad i was feeling that day). he asked me what happened, and i just cried walking. he was on the way down but he followed me up, told me to sit on the bench, take my backpack off, and calm down. he was there, ready to listen. and all i was able to say was that it's all my fault (fuck you self-pity. fuck you guilt. fuck you very very much), then i can't stop crying na. nakakainis. then i noticed he's on duty so i just sent him away, skipped class, and walked home dispiritedly, holding back the tears. i was alone and i couldn't afford to look like i had a bad case of sore eyes. err...


nothing special, really. i mean, if it was another person who was less busy, i would've cried my balls out on him/her the same i should've done if he were free. but there was no one else. shempre masaya ko sya nakakita sakin duuuuuhh crush ko yun e (dati) hohoho. tsk. masyadong mabait at supportive. he too nice lately, he wants to make sure i'm already okay, kung nakatransfer na, kung nakausap na si mam samson, blaaaaahhhh. thank you.


nakakahiya namang nakita nya kong umiyak. shit. shempre wa poise. ampanget ko pa non for sure. darn you weakness daaaaaarrrnnn youuuuuuu. i've never been this helpless before.