neurocize!

i thought it was some kind of a joke, that the pages of the book i was reading suddenly went off series. it was 124, then 117, 126, 127, 121, 124, 141, 134, 135, 144. it went on for the next 20 pages, with me finding 3 leaves missing. i did my best to look for them but they're nonexistent. beats me why the title of the book is Tw7sted (by Jessica Zafra), and the subject where the pages started going berserk has something to do with exercising your brain. she was discussing ways on how to sharpen your mind and make a buff out of your neurons. for sure, it's the universe. the thing hates me still. it sort of became a bad omen too, i was fumbling through the pages wednesday morning at the hospital; afternoon came and i was the most distressed person in the world. uhm, connection? i dunnno, i'm making things up. 

the karma cycle. you're up then you're down. you don't know where it starts, you don't know where it ends. all you know is that it's how the universe balances things, like it can't get any heavier. it's probably a cosine graph, good at the origin. it shows an eternal wave of constant amplitude, reminding us that there is always a limit to everything. when you've reached your peak, you slide down, when you're at the pit, you start trekking up. 

i'm not sure if i'm at the pit but i know i'm somewhere down. and if this is not the bottom of the slide yet, God knows how much i'm going to loathe my life (even with the conspiratorial universe who promises to carry me up soon). WHAT IF, this is the best that can happen? after all, a cosine graph can exist below the x axis and still have highs and lows. FML. anyway. i'm just saying.

Lord. i'm waiting for something good to happen. enough on the food, i've wasted so much trying to calm my nerves with ice cream, but end up feeling otherwise because it's coffee flavored. not only have i triggered the bedlam in my nervous system, but i've also managed to assure myself of not less than 30% weight gain in the coming weeks. it's just good on the tongue. nowhere else. >:(

Dear Lord, i asked for him. where is he? what, am i blind or is he still lost? i'd rather take it he's lost. amen.

weakling

life's been pissing on me, real hard.

the operator says my call and text card number is invalid. i tried reloading n times and it says, the card has already been used. i tried reloading n^x times and it says, i've reached the maximum number of reload attempts and should try again in 4 hours, blah minutes. yes, i get it, the universe is not on my side. pun intended, the globe is not on my side. for now.

which led me to assume that i bought a counterfeit prepaid card, in which case i just lost three hundred fucking bucks. how do i complain this one? fine, i'm such a complainer. fuuuuuck. 4 hours and blah minutes left. i can't wait to read manga, and stream the remaining episodes of chuck season 2, plus bleach.

by the way, things are probably getting better but i still feel the same. hahaha. too much stresssss. and i'm not getting thinner, in fact, i just bought a half gallon of ice cream a few hours back. coffee crumble again! it's my 3rd this week. so help me God. >:(



i wonder why he's too concerned about me these days. maybe he wants to make it up to the amount of effort (and cash) i put on his play last term. maybe he needs me again for their upcoming project. maybe he's genuinely concerned. maybe he's just a generally nice person. OR MOST PROBABLY, out of all who feel the same for me, HIS concern is what matters most. e crush eh! sorry! sya talaga mapapansin ko. but seriously, he's always there. whenever we meet he asks me what's up, and because i know he knows what i'm going through, i always end up spilling. he was the first person who talked to me after i walked out of the lib last wednesday, one word and i'll burst into tears (that's how bad i was feeling that day). he asked me what happened, and i just cried walking. he was on the way down but he followed me up, told me to sit on the bench, take my backpack off, and calm down. he was there, ready to listen. and all i was able to say was that it's all my fault (fuck you self-pity. fuck you guilt. fuck you very very much), then i can't stop crying na. nakakainis. then i noticed he's on duty so i just sent him away, skipped class, and walked home dispiritedly, holding back the tears. i was alone and i couldn't afford to look like i had a bad case of sore eyes. err...


nothing special, really. i mean, if it was another person who was less busy, i would've cried my balls out on him/her the same i should've done if he were free. but there was no one else. shempre masaya ko sya nakakita sakin duuuuuhh crush ko yun e (dati) hohoho. tsk. masyadong mabait at supportive. he too nice lately, he wants to make sure i'm already okay, kung nakatransfer na, kung nakausap na si mam samson, blaaaaahhhh. thank you.


nakakahiya namang nakita nya kong umiyak. shit. shempre wa poise. ampanget ko pa non for sure. darn you weakness daaaaaarrrnnn youuuuuuu. i've never been this helpless before.

adqeqsdzaad

grabe lang. this week has been alarmingly stressful. i try to act normal but at the end of the day, when nothing else is there to distract me, i'm back to dwelling in this shit. this shit i've caused... by heeding improper judgment, false assumptions and a bunch of supporters who believe i'm fighting the good cause. apparently, as i've realized, we were all clouded by our prejudices.


it already sucks that i'm now known as an immature, backstabbing, serial complainer who's too afraid to be honest with her feelings, by none other than the dean, my previous boss, and eventually my future employer.

shit happens. and it's high time for me to screw up. had i not decided to be 'true' to myself, this would've gone peacefully. but apparently, i practically blew all the hope that was there. i've realized that what the bible says about truth having the ability to set you free, is only applicable if you define truth in the context of the scripture. it's not the type of truth that you deal with everyday, such as your feelings, cos it can be altered, and heck it could even be false. we were born fools. and that's a truth.

my boss was right, but she still lied. i was wrong okaaaay. i took the entire yesterday crying my balls out. there was regret, a ton of guilt, self pity and a whole lot of disappointment in myself. how could i have done such a stupid act? and why are these people so uhm, supportive? >:| they didn't know better. and so was i.

i'm afraid this ugly feeling in my chest, will remain for months. until i've proven even a bit of myself. i could've just resigned, but i wanted to make it up to my. uhm, i dunno. i wanna patch things up, by proving them wrong. specially the dean, who misunderstood me, and to those who think i'm the abovementioned type of employee, who's better off unemployed.

i just don't understand why there are still people who think i've done the right thing, right when i've just ruined my own reputation. i followed their advice, i became true to myself. and this is my fucking harvest.

whatever you sow, you must sow in the right ground, lest you harvest the wrong fruit, or not harvest anything at all.

i thank everyone who's genuinely concerned with what i'm going through right now. i appreciate them, super. >:)
have a great weekend.

you cheer me up

because i'm having such a hard time figuring out what to do with my problems, terai bought me these to cheer me up! a set of stabilo markers (my, err...7th set of colored pens haha), a red akatsuki cloud cellphone chain from comic alley, and a pint of selecta coffee crumble ice cream (my 2nd pint this week OTL).

aww. i've been extremely paranoid lately. i can't stop acting like a cow. it was mistake i listened to THESE adults. i trusted their instincts so much because for one, they're in the right position to tell me what to do, and also... they seem to be old enough to know what to advise me to do. i wish i had listened to my parents instead. 


anyway. what's done is done. i need all the courage to talk to my boss tomorrow. this has grown into such a troublesome gossip i don't know what to do anymore. actually, i do, but i have no idea if it's right. i'm just banking on the possibility that's it's gonna work. but first i need to fix this issue with my boss. 


Lord, help me. 

A POEM FOR YAN

Y.A.N.

(You Are Nuts)

Never lame

Always game

Has dark skin

But always keen

Has short hair

But always dare

Has short height

But always fight

Has J and M

And Yan is the name

by: Bon Lemuel Dela Cruz