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too much negativity

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i'm feeling so frkn depressed lately, for reasons which are definitely my fault. but maybe i'll throw some parts to the weather just so i don't get to carry all these (but it's already sunny, so...), but really it's majorly because i suck so much as a person. hay.

-1

i was down with some mild pneuomonia the entire week last week.

the good: i was able to finish my children's book project with ms. lia, but the process sapped me to bits. working in between fevers is the worst thing ever. argh. it was my fault i got sick though.

the bad: i had everything scheduled out for the completion of the project, i will have finished all the illustrations by saturday and sunday, add backgrounds and do the pdf layouting on monday, then finally pass on tuesday. problem was, i just had to exercise on saturday night (because i'm feeling all sleepy and in need of an upper), so natuyuan ako ng pawis, and the rest is histERy. i could have prevented that right?

the ugly: YES! i could have prevented that but i just had to be so careless! i hate myself. grrr could have saved myself 5 freaking leaves huhu. T___T;

-2

i finally got fed up with our helper and inadvertently cast her out of the house. i scolded her for yet again not washing the utensils properly, and for going out of the house maya't maya for long periods of time. she took the day off the next day (cos guess what, it was her birthday!), hasn't been back since, and couldn't be reached through phone. it caused a bit of a ruckus at home because of my bitching out about her for faults that i should have just overlooked na lang daw in light of her almost a decade long tenure and honesty to our family... but really now. i couldn't bring myself to regret her being finally gone... not if it meant we're having a new maid who can clean better, and is less layas. you really can't have it all. no one's perfect.

not being a total monster, i was depressed for a couple of days because of that. my mom hated me a lot for chucking out her favorite maid, now who's gonna blend her juices? who gonna wake up so early to make our baons? who's gonna iron her clothes? i abhorred the fact that i seemed kindof useless as a person, that a maid is a more important part of the household than i am, apparently. ang drama diba.

maka-first world problem eh.

starting the week without a maid was awkward and sad. not when you're so used to having someone wake you up for breakfast. but it just needs some getting used to diba. it's not like i don't know how to cook, or wash the dishes, or iron and stuff. hay ewan. haha!

during those days i kept on looking for ways i could separate myself from our house. good thing i was on midshift so i didn't have to avoid people lololol cos it frkn feels like everybody hates me. i even felt like my dad hates me too because i gave mom a hard time with the house because shempre si mommy na yung gigising ng maaga and stuff. henako!

i was also even looking for possible places to rent out because hello real world! haha it was the most emotionally distressing quarrel i had with my mom kasi it's the first time it went for more than 24 hours! if we're not talking to each other within a day that's frkn alarming.

-3

my mom and i are okay now, we're eating together na. PERO BAKIT NADEDEPRESS PARIN AKO. ah i know, wala parin kaming katulong. haha ang arte arte ko talaga nakakainis diba.

-4

thinking about the amount of time i'm held prison in this company makes me sadder than ever. i'm not an A performer so chances are my salary isn't going to increase substantialy within the next 2 rotting years. i won't be able to provide for myself considerably, and it sucks so much. i really wanted to get to the level of financial independence where i could already buy a house and a car. haaay life.

during my feedback session with my manager i was revealed my corporate rating, which is you know..."C performer" or "meets expectations" or "probably not getting a raise this year". one of (the only, actually) the negative things that was pointed out about me was my extracurricular activities which disabled me to work longer hours and deliver end-of-day tasks. i was thinking tuloy, if we have an EOD task, are the extra hours were putting for that counted as OT? in my experience kasi, NO. so to hell with EODs! i'm not being paid extra anyway!

it was funny though, you know how the ultimate goal is to really load myself with so much sidelines such that my regular day job becomes my extracurricular instead? BWAHA. joke lang. in time. wooot.

on the plus side

waking up 2 kilos lighter than usual for almost a week now excites me like crazy. depression apparently saps out my fats too!