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defeat, regrets, relief

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during the past few days i was so expectant that last night would bring me the freedom i needed to escape from all of this stress. despite the process being in itself stressful, i thought it was a necessary trade if i were to be deemed deserving to walk out in this dark tunnel, you know, with a promising light to follow. 

chos.


nalulungkot ako. last night was more depressing than relieving for me. i only felt relieved because that 'necessary stress' was finally over, but then it was really over. like there's nothing more for me from there. i felt defeated because i know i wasn't going to get in. i'm not the person they're looking for. i'm a mismatch. and it sucks that i made quite an impression that i'm not open to something new. which is dang wrong. i was made to choose, and i chose that which i have been familiar for years. i forgot that the very reason i was there was to explore other options, take risks, and ultimately leave this place.

now i'm regretful. it feels like i'm stuck in a rut, unwilling to face any challenges, and forever mentally stressed to the core.

when will this ever end.