It's been a while since I opened my laptop. Sometimes I wonder if I should've just bought a macbook air instead because it's lighter (by 300g 🤣). Also cheaper. It's pretty hard to carry the pro around. Even when I'm just at home lol. Then again I wanted a pro because I would probably need the extra ports and the pro features and also the fan if I ever get too passionate about upgrading my vlog editing skills lol. Who knows, I might start developing ios apps too? It's nice to dream no? Chances are I'll never get to maximize this laptop the way I wanted. What a luxury to be able to future proof myself this way.
A week ago we attended a birthday/dedication party of one our friend's daughter. Jeckie was chosen as ninong, along with the rest of the guys, and one of the wives. And I... feel left out. My husband didn't even tell me he was ninong. I only learned when they were being called for a photo, and I found myself left at the table, with another wife (what a consolation right?).
That time I was reminded, once again, of my place in his group of friends. That I'm not really a friend. I'm a friend's wife. My husband thinks that because we're married, his friends should be my friends too so that we're one big circle of friends. But honestly, I've never felt like we're one big circle. I'm okay outside, being a friend's wife. That's literally what I am.
Anyway, I also realized that being ninang was not a courtesy extended to you if your husband is a ninong, but a deliberate decision made by the parents. And knowing them, they must've really considered the roster. Agnostic and child-free don't exactly sound like someone you'd want to foster your daughter whom you just dedicated to God, but they probably knew better, saw deeper. That makes me proud of my husband. And I hope that's not just a courtesy due to their friendship.
At first it hurt not to be chosen, so I promised to know my place. I may have overestimated our friendship. From now on, I'm not going to spend on their gifts, I'll leave that to my husband. I'll stop reminding him to buy them gifts, I don't care anymore, who am I anyway? He's the friend, not me. So petty haha and I'm kidding okay. But as I dwelled on it throughout the party, I realized I was actually jealous that my husband gets to be ninong to kids whose parents he actually cares about.
For the record, I don't know who my inaanaks are. Most of them are pamangkins, from cousins I'm not even that close to. I was just appointed as ninang because it's my turn after my sister got the older ones lol. We may have a culture of choosing godparents based on how much you can extort from them. I don't have any inaanaks outside the family (just one, maybe I should start paying attention to her), which makes me think that I really don't have any friends. More to that, I don't deserve to be ninang.
That sucks right?
My friends come and go. I don't reach out. I lose touch. I let it die. I have multiple circles of friends from the different phases of my life. I have highschool friends, college friends, office friends, then my family (the only constant). When I leave a phase, the circle fades. It's difficult for me to maintain friendships when we don't share the same space anymore. The same classroom, the same office, the same dorm. It's just how I am. I'm really bad at keeping in touch. Should I change? I know it's for the better. Relationships matter the most right?
I'm okay with who I have right now though. Which isn't a lot. Urgh. I don't know.